Johnoria Bulletin

Year One

2011-07-01T04:35:00.000-07:00

A year and 13 days later comes this entry from the last time I've written. Reading through my older posts is a strange feeling. A portal into a time that has passed with fleeting passions, thoughts, and emotions. Like looking at a complete stranger, but at the same time knowing exactly who that person is. And, for some reason, it was frightening to see that person again. I could hardly bear to read every single word that person had written and as I went further I could only skim. I wonder why that is. Maybe as a person that had just graduated from high school and was about to enter the wondrous world of university it is frightening to remember that person brimming, relatively, with ambition and bucking up for a ever better freedom. But now, a year and couple days later, that person has been, essentially, crushed. Everything that he thought was going to come from college just didn't quite pan out the way that he had hoped that it would and every fear that he had was pretty much realized. And instead of rising from the rubble and ruins I find myself pretty much in the same place that I was back then. In my room, at my house, in Chino Hills, and up till the late hours of the morning like I used to do. What little hope that person had, I feel, is gone now.

But I suppose, like I said I haven't done so far, I should get up and get my life together in some semblance of order and direction. And I feel that by this point in the summer my need for being lazy has run it's course and now I'm just feeling my life wasting away. Time to stand and do something. And maybe, for once in my life, something for myself. Something that I want to learn or do because I want to do it. To what extent that will be, I don't know, but something substantial I hope. But that's exactly the kind of talk that I need to step away from. I hope, I will, I could, I would, I think, and move onto I do. Getting myself to exercise daily has been a step in the right direction (really trying not to say "I think" here). People talk of the epiphany they receive when running the daily course of their life and discovering something amazing or waking up one morning to realize that life is beautiful or some other trite poppycock of the sort but that isn't for everyone, I presume. I reckon it's about time to be my own epiphany. Hard that.

By now I wonder if I should even attempt to comb through the first year of college and figure out what were the most important and life changing parts. Hard to say since it's only been a couple years since that has officially passed. I'm not sure that it's been a year of self-discovery and what-have-you that most people tend to play up but maybe somewhere down the line I'll realize that it was. Or not. The latter seems to be the case usually. So I'll just skip that. Things that stick out the most:
-Pledging
-"Have you ever thought that you just aren't that interested in academics as you thought you were?"
-College is far from a place where I find who I am, where I'm going, or any of those other things that people tend to suggest and instead I find myself lost more than ever with my life.
-Alcohol, you wily devil
-Passive Aggressive
-Maybe I should have gone to a college further from home.
-People are just plain mean, people can be nice, and some people put on the masks of one or the other.
-Jesus, so much writing that just isn't fun.

Some of those things listed right there are pretty generic things to say about life in general and I'm sure I have or could have said those things in the past but it just seems to stick out in my mind particularly right now.

I'm not quite sure where all this leaves me. Somewhere between expected and hoped to high heaven that I wouldn't be where I am now but water under the bridge now. Nothing to do but to take it in stride. Something to keep in my for next time:

-Writing Creatively

At this point I figure no one will read this and if you, lucky reader, do then have fun. Or something. The internet has moved on from this relic to tweets, tumblrs, stumblrs, facebooklrs, googl+lrs, and whatever else. The old way of communicating updates to this blog through AIM is even dead now seeing has how people have moved onto other IM clients, Macs, and AIM itself has effectively killed profiles as I knew them. So much has changed and at the same time hasn't. And now I use Winamp, go figure.

"The more things change, the more they stay the same."

The Lowest End

2010-06-18T03:41:00.001-07:00

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? DON'T FORGET WHERE YOU ARE!"

How could I forget where I was?

People say Beethoven described the trombone, "as if it were the voice of God Himself."
If that's so, this was the voice of the Devil. A red tunnel vibrates with bass rumbles. the paint shakes loose. The San Andreas has nothing on this.

Euphoric. Melodic. Epic.

A musical brawl that gives me a full body blow. A belly flop into an ocean of bass. Everything rumbles so hard that it makes all my hairs stand up and listen. Hot as Hell and sweat pours down my face but I don't even notice. It's a state of bliss. They are modern day Zeuses and Hephaestuses. Every turn of a knob is like a thunderbolt of pulsating air shocking my body. Every press of a button like the magnificent and awesome strike of metal on metal. My body is electrocuted into wobbles. It commands me, it compels me.

Nothing short of glorious.

Everything moves so slow but the music courses through my veins at a million miles per hour. This gas kills. The lamps burn. My ears ring so good.

-

It's a numbed red amoeba. A body made of bodies. Never together again. Nerve endings cut. Guilty black shapes that lurk. Made out of the darkest of blacks. Roaming against shimmering city views and glittering night skies. Free of chains. Hot breathes of freedom on our necks. Cool chill of morals against our skin. Smells like a cave.

Smells like summer.

Silent Eyes

2010-05-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

I wonder if it's creepy to watch the feeds roll by as if it's the ticker tape to a some kind of social stock. Staring at the endless stream. Passing judgment as I see fit. So many things left unsaid. I can almost feel a nosebleed coming, even though I've never had a nosebleed in my life.

Life feels like a slow motion train collision. It looks so slow but you know in reality it's moving fast, and even though you don't know what the end product is going to look like, you know it's going to be a mess.

Well we'll see about that.

I don't mind too much either way. I wonder how my conscious feels, or lack thereof.

A Little Suffocating Room

2010-05-07T22:42:00.000-07:00

Is everyone gone yet? It seemed to me that everyone just kept on moving from one thing to the other and now they've all settled elsewhere to follow the perceived emerging trends. At least now I feel like I can hear myself think. Maybe a little too well. The sounds of the low rumbling mumblings that echo between the empty spaces of my brain. Indiscernible vibrations that reverberate in the dark pits of my mind. The very corners that are hidden out of view but the knowledge of which roll through the cracks in my brain like tar leaving behind its remains everywhere.

Thinking is an insane thing. Can drive a man crazy, especially if it's all by his lonesome.

I'm not going to say that I finally understand and see everyone for who they are because I really don't. How can I when I barely understand myself? It was interesting reading on the passages on the English AP test about the world we live in and how people wear ornaments. It struck a chord with me. Chino Hills fits the bill perfectly. Trying too hard to be something better than what it actually is and just comes off as just looking like an embarrassment.

Maybe that's too harsh though. The best parts of this place are the parts that man can't do anything about. The green rolling hills and the blindingly yellow flowers that cover them in the spring time. The perfect combination of booming sunlight with the cool breeze of winter's last breathes. A humble, unassuming tree at the tops of hills. The sight of cotton ball sheep rolling lazily.

I'll miss those things. The simple ignorance and docility of the suburbs.

That's all my brain remembers to write about for now.

"What took the jam out of your donut?"

2010-01-22T02:17:00.001-08:00

World of Awesome from John Fujita on Vimeo.

Is it 2010 yet?

2010-01-04T22:09:00.000-08:00

The new years came and went but it hasn't felt all that special or anything to me. It hasn't felt like the holidays either. It's been just like an extended weekend and now we're back on the daily grind of school. I guess I should be sad that break is over, but for some reason I don't really care all that much. Just when I thought maybe I could stay awake in my classes all do is fall asleep or zone out. Maybe it's because we hold our finals after break and we're still in first semester, which I know has been going on for the past couple years but this year just seems like it makes everything move slower or more like it makes it seem like nothing has changed. Which for the most part I don't think has.

Didn't even watch the countdown on television or anything and instead just chilled in my room with my brother. At the turn of the decade it doesn't feel like anything more than just another day. Just wasting the days away.

It was funny practicing scales today. One of the scale's arpeggios turned into part of this season's woodwind feature. I guess that's the one thing that's been new since the new year. All that stuff just a couple months ago feels like ages ago now. That past just keeps swirling together into one big collective memory. Just one collective day.

After All

2009-11-14T00:06:00.000-08:00

Just another week and it'll all be over.

No more marching.
No more gush-n-gos.
No more dot books.
No more running blocks.
No more duts.
No more scissor lifts.
No more arcs.
No more run throughs.

I haven't really spoken about marching band in my posts, but I guess I just took it for a regular part of my daily life. Albeit a very huge one. I suppose it's just been taken for granted and now that it's coming down to crunch time...I don't know. It'll be strange to not have to do it anymore.

Just max out till the end then.

P.S. LOLbert hurry up.

Perspective

2009-11-11T00:10:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day.

From going to Signal Hill to visiting buddies at UCI.

I suppose this will be more of the same of the last post, but I think today really was an eye opener for me. Listening to Javy talk about his essay on Chino Hills made me realize how right he is in describing the hills as something that we climb over to reach a greater world beyond them. The duality of the hills around me really came out then. How oppressive these brown giants can be blocking the horizon from seeing any further than the decaying grass on them. But at the same time the bosom of the hills offer a feeling of safeness and home.

It felt so nice being on the freeways and not seeing a hill in sight. It gave me a feeling of their being an endless world out there to explore. And even though Signal Hill was another hill, it was different. The only hill in sight for miles around us and it gave us view across the horizon that no other hill in Chino Hills could. The shimmering lights of the city below were like tiny hands waving begging to be answered.

Then seeing two of the Freshh guys just kicking it in college just made me want to leave high school behind me more. Sure Ayala has provided great memories but to me it almost seems like if the boring and bad times outweigh the good ones. Just walking around the halls and playing ping pong made me realize of a life beyond the hollow words, empty promises, and the this and thats of the people I go to school with. The ridiculousness of how I think of some things as so serious. How for a long time this felt like the end of the road and there was nothing after. But no, not anymore. The haze is becoming clear.

I want to get my applications done. I feel motivated. I feel the desire.

This is it.

I gotta say, today was a good day.

Popsicle Stand

2009-10-15T05:41:00.000-07:00

I tried sleeping, but couldn't. I don't know when I fell asleep tonight or when I actually woke up and started working instead of just continually dozing off, but now I can't sleep and I'm up. There's nothing else to it. I lied in my bed for a good 30 minutes closing my eyes, tossing and turning, staring at the ceiling. Lying seems like an appropriate word to describe what I was doing in bed. Thinking I could sleep when I well knew that I couldn't.

But it gave me a chance to think about something other than school and the work I needed to do. I think it's finally dawned on me how everyone I knew last year felt as seniors. Just waiting, itching to get out of here. To me, laying in my bed, it seemed to have come full circle for me. I don't want to stay here anymore, I don't know where I want to be but not here. I want to say my final goodbyes, pick up, and blow this popsicle stand. Or maybe not even say my goodbyes and just leave. I realize that for most of the people I know now, I won't ever see or speak to again. The thought is eerily cathartic.

Maybe it's just easy to think that now, in what seems to be the thickest of senioritis.

Or maybe it's just finally coming to me how I don't really care about most of the people around me or what happens to them. Even in band, most of me doesn't really care how well we do anymore. I just want to go to competitions perform, chill in parking lots, and relax on bus rides. I don't care for practicing anymore. I don't care for getting better anymore. Some part of me realizes that no one will listen to all that the leaders and seniors have to say anyways. An apathetic outlook, I know, but at this point there's no other way to look at things for me.

As far as I'm concerned, I think my work is done here. At Ayala. At Chino Hills. I've taken what I could and I've done what I can. It's time to get up and leave for while I think. Maybe sometime in the future I'll realize that home is where the heart is. No matter how bland Chino Hills stays. But right now, in what I perceive to be my youthful rebellion in a search for something I think might be better out there, I'm ready to leave this these Hills behind me.

Illin'

2009-10-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

Being sick is no fun just like everybody says. Not that I didn't know or think that before, but it really is horrible.

Headache
Chills
Fever
Aching Body
Sore Throat
Coughing

It just keeps going.

This must be the longest I've been put out of commission for being sick. Two days out of school, missing a competition today, and an SAT. Fucking hell. I still feel like shit with my head spinning and hurting at the same time, but I refuse to lay around in bed anymore. The worst part of being sick and missing school has to be just seeing your mates or having your regular human contact. The second worst part must be all the stuff your going to have to make up.

Being sick is such a strange journey in that of itself. When you're asleep it seems as if years fly by only to be woken up and have to sit through agonizing pain through time that seems to have stopped. Sitting there with your head throbbing and your body shivering uncontrollably looking back at the clock thinking it's been an hour only to see that it's still the same minute.

Hallucinatory nightmares of the deep and darkest corners of your mind fueled by an unrelenting fever then waking up gasping and wheezing for breath only to cough up something from your lungs into the trashcan that can only be discernible in the dark by the foul taste that it leaves behind in your mouth. Not to mention soaking in sweat and trembling from the cold.

At least now it isn't that bad. The fever is mostly gone. My neck and back only ache a little. Chills aren't so bad anymore. The coughing is still very much there and the headache still continues to persist. Speaking of which, it might be time to crawl back in bed and give my head another rest. Wasting time like this is not the fun.

A last thought: Why does Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup taste so good? It basically tastes like hot salt water, but it still tastes so good. The world may never know.

Another thing, to all those that send their goodwill, I thank you all.

Day Dreams

2009-10-02T18:26:00.000-07:00

A drowsy zero period. Christensen's booming voice echoes through my head. My eyelids start to drop lower and lower until the whole room goes black. It only takes a second. I can still hear the sounds bouncing through my head.

I am god now. The universe a black canvas. I use my hand to summon up the debris of words and ideas into a swirling mass in the palm of my hand. From the void swirls together form. A planet. A society. Life. It all comes together, a spinning sphere smoothing itself out.

I snap awake, my head falling out of my hands. I can create life, but can't keep my head steady.

These half awake dreams in class are the only ones I seem to have anymore. Sleeping at night only lends itself to fast forward through life. These dreams I live lifetimes in a matter of seconds. I wonder why this is. Although all of them aren't so grand as creating life.

More often it seems like my subconscious is crawling through my dreams. Dreams of loss and rejection. They keep replaying through my mind, staying with me through the day like an awake nightmare. As if someone is dipping into an emotional well and pulls out a bucketful, these dreams leave me with my head hurting, my mouth dry, and my chest aching.

Another wet season in my brain seems to have come around feeding my feelings. But the well can't be full forever, it'll dry up eventually.

Maybe.

And then there was one.

2009-10-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

It feels like those that enjoy doing nothing and the company of others are starting to fade away. The best moments I can recall in the last few years have been ones where I'm not really doing anything, just wandering. Just out for a stroll in the warm winter sun, the sun peaking through the tree branches. Everyone seems to be in a rush, along with myself. After a year of working day in and day out I miss those rare opportunities to just stop and smell the roses. To enjoy a walk for a walk. Even if by the time I reach my destination my feet are killing me.

I owe a lot to those that have left these hills for greener pastures. Those that like to do nothing for nothing. You could say that we're wasting our time, but to you I say that you're not living in the moment. Some of the best moments in my life have been where I could just laze about and be bored. To those I could be bored with, I thank.

College applications are already here and so are so many other things. I think I need a couple more breaths.

I shall go for a walk this weekend to remember all those that walked with me before.

Coughing

2009-08-29T22:52:00.000-07:00

This cough that's followed me from band is killing me. I can barely stay in my room without my stuffing up and my nose closing up. Laying on my bed I can hardly breathe anymore without coughing up my damn lungs. Going to sleep at night consists of waking up in the middle of night not breathing and coughing till my throat goes raw. Damned allergies or whatever it may be.

I think I realized something from the last day of band camp, which is that the only thing people understand is fear. Fear of pain, fear of failure, fear of whatever else. Those instructing us keep saying that our drive is bogus if the only that motivates us is the fear of having to do push ups, but what else is motivation except fear? Fear of our competitors beating us, fear of us not being all that we can be, fear that we won't live up to someone's expectations, fear that we won't live up to our own expectations.

Desire. Fear.

I feel like they're one in the same.

I had to laugh that last day of band. To any of those who were in band, it was one of those days in band when all of the instructors decided to go into asshole mode and make us run 4 greens and do whatever else to get that fire under our butts and realize that we suck. Breaking people down from their selves was amusing to me.

Seeing people moan. Seeing people fall. Seeing people cry.

It was especially fun seeing all those that like to act so tough being the first to break. Such fakers. While everyone else was dying, I couldn't help myself from smiling. I guess you could say that we'd all come out of that experience stronger, but I don't believe that anymore. Not from such a weak experience like that. I don't pretend to know what real pain, struggle, or suffering is but the least I can say is that it wasn't that.

I feel that a majority of people don't understand, me included. For those that do, I envy them. What can I say? I guess that comes off as insulting to them, but what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, right? I am fortunate though to not have to experience those pains on some level, but at some point without experiencing any of that where do I test my character?

I want to be broken.

I find that I can be quite amoral and unethical at times. By being broken maybe I can find how much of a hypocrite I am of my own beliefs. Sometimes I scare myself by what motivates me. The lengths that sometimes I go to lie to reach my own ends. Or to get involved into something with a completely false intention.

As Napolean said,
"From the sublime to the ridiculous is only a step; let the future generations judge."

If you live without any sort of moral ruler I feel that my brain is capable of conjuring up some frightening things. But you have to put that mask on so that you aren't a completely tossed out of normal society. Then sometimes letting those thoughts slip through the cracks and seeing the reaction of those around you. Putting on fake reactions of disgust to some other things as to not appear abnormal.

But then there's the side that puts yourself on the line for those around you. You live by the seat of your pants, but don't want those around to follow you, going as far as to protect them. Moving on with your own agenda without thinking about yourself, but of others almost in an altruistic fashion.

Then there is living on without fear. With nothing to lose. Without the caring what anyone thinks anymore. It's only what you want and do whatever you do to your own ends and to no one elses. Why do we fear authority? Why do we obey what anyone says? The fear of not conforming to the rules? What is it that makes obey someone with authority? With respect? Is respecting someone just not another form of fear? The fear of their disapproval. Why do we maintain such pack mentalities? Those that transcend are the bounds of our animal nature and have no fear in what they do are truly the extraordinary ones.

Standing on the sides because you yourself are so closed. Sometimes that's all you can do because you fear that no one understand what is going through your brain. Like bugs crawling out of your skin you can't say that it happens because it only makes you look like a basket case. You can only be there standing on the sides. No matter how much noise you make that's all you are, noise. Like bugs crawling under your skin and trying to pick them out by digging your nails through your skin.

How do you respond? How do you rationalize such crazy thoughts?

Sometimes all you can do is stand there and cough.

Thoughts

2009-06-22T22:43:00.000-07:00

It's summer time again. Time to feel relaxed and laze about, break out the lemonade, fester away on top of couches, and all that good stuff.

This summer...seems about the same, but so different in so many other ways. What a trite thing to say.

But where to start...
I didn't write anything about the end of school. I don't know why. Lazy, finals, unwinding, whatever the reason I guess I should now. All the seniors are going to be gone, very soon.

I honestly don't know how I feel about it. Sad of course, but the realization that time is passing hasn't really hit me. A problem that I still dont' know how to deal with. Freshmen camp was a...kick in the teeth I suppose. The first time that I looked around the band room or the field and didn't see all the seniors standing around. It was somewhat an eyeopener. Being a senior is a very strange feeling.

I think for a better part of my life I've always been under the wings of someone else. Always having someone guide me or tell me what to do and now that I'm a senior I should be the one taking over that job. It's a big, scary job though that I think that I'll probably shy away from for a couple reasons:

1.There is a scarcity of freshmen.
2.I don't find it to be my place.

I always find that people want to be the hero that we all see on TV, in the movies, or read in books. That everyone wants to jump in so that they can cheer someone up or be the knight in shining armor to help that damsel in distress. Then the whole scene gets cluttered up and I find that if I weren't a part of that then it'd be all the better, but then get accused of not caring. I suppose being rational isn't being caring.

But then I'll find myself sitting alone in an old donut shop, paint peeling, white fluorescent lights making my eyes want to bleed, with dulling pink table tops at 1 in the morning alone, watching a man on crutches struggling to carry a cup of coffee to his car. And I look around even though I know that I'm the only one in the store besides the baker in the bake rolling his dough. And I'll be fighting a mental and moral battle inside my head on whether or not to help this man. Of course the right thing to do would be to help him. But at 1 AM? By some kid who shouldn't be out this late? My sheepish manner got the best of me and he limped away into his car. I guess I'm part of the reason why youth looks bad.

I think it's those kinds of moments are part of what defines us.

Do we help a man getting mugged or call the police when no one else is around? Or do we walk by like he didn't see anything hoping that someone else will help him?

Do we help the elderly or do we think that some other more upstanding citizen will come by and help them?

Do we help a man carry coffee to his car or do we sit stupidly sipping away at a can of soda thinking he isn't struggling that much?

---

Struggle.

Something else that makes us who we are. It's hard to have struggle when you're living in middle class suburbia. The struggle to find struggle in such a place. Or maybe not having struggle is our struggle. Or maybe I just have a different set of struggles.

Though I've thought a lot about this on my own Little Miss Sunshine put flatly how I thought.

"...he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing."

I find it to be a perplexing thought. If we're happy then we don't learn anything. If we're suffering it shapes us into who we are.

Does that make happiness a waste?

Is the pursuit of happiness just that? Is it worth more to pursue happiness then to attain happiness? Is that why the founding fathers gave us the right to pursue happiness instead of just having happiness?

---

That's it for now. More thoughts on the way.

Pavlov's Dog

2009-04-30T17:29:00.000-07:00

It's sad to think that when I get a bad grade I feel the bad grade. It hurts to get a bad grade on so many levels.

It's sad. Since when did getting bad grades hurt so much?

But I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this way. The pang of a bad grade. Some feel it at C's or lower and some others at B's.

I can only see this as living in fear. Fear that if I fail then I failed myself, my teacher, and everyone I know. But when I succeed it's not much better. Success is little more than hitting par.

But when happiness is found in an A and sadness if found in an F what does that say?
That we have to be made to learn through fear?

Mistakes and failures become the bane of my existence. Failure is not an option, ever.

But living how sweet can success be when it's out of fear?
I'd have to say not very. Sure sometimes it's great, but for the majority it feels like a hollow victory. Hollow because it wasn't out of my motivation to do well rather my fear of not doing well.

How can one be truly happy when it's constantly chased by fear?
I think it's something that is seen all the time in literature and other arts. The man at the top unhappy and the man at the bottom happy.

Ignorance must really be bliss because knowledge only brings fear, despair, suffering, and a thirst for more.

Mon Dieu

2009-04-26T01:02:00.000-07:00

I cried.

Sometimes you just have to I guess.

I hate life.

A lot of people say that, me included, but at some point I had to ask, "Why do I get up every morning?"
I know I've put this out before. What motivates me? Which is nothing apparently.

But that fact has been eating me. It's been eating...slowly but surely at me, at my soul, at my heart. I can't help but feel that I'm...I don't even know.

Today in Japanese school I went to be a T.A. in one of the other classes for 3rd period. It was a 3rd grade class...I saw the kids and saw how happy they were.

I wanted to cry.

Where did those days go? Where you could be free and be a kid. When being a kid meant nothing more than having fun.

I don't know why I wanted to cry. Maybe it was because I realize how pitiful I really am wallowing in my own failure. Maybe it was because I can hardly remember how I was when I was that age. Maybe it was because in this world today you have to grow up fast.

I'm not cut out for this place.

I still want to be a kid.
I want to make those mistakes I never made.
I want to fix the mistakes I made.

I want to make something.
I want to create something.
I want to make something that will make people cry.
I want to make something that will make people laugh.
I want to make something that will make people proud.

I want to chase my own dreams. My own goals.
But how much are those worth if I never created something to make people stand in awe?
How much are those dreams worth if it only ends up forgotten in the annals of history or as mediocrity?

I want people to see my name and think, "He belongs with Kubrick, Hitchcock, Spielberg, Kojima, Wright."
I want to inspire people.
I want to be as famous as Einstein.
I want people to say, "All right, Fujita."

I want to give people a place to escape.
A place to get lost and not care.

Something to give people what they gave to me.

But what are wants worth if you can't make them come true.
What are they worth if they're just wants.

What are they worth.

What are they worth if you can't chase them.
What are they worth if you have to chase something else.
What are they worth if you don't have the legs to chase them.

They always say, "It's your deal, do it already."
But what if it's not what you really want?

Vinci, Einstein, Edith Piaf, Jaffe, Miyamoto, Moore, Coen, Tesla, Levine, Coppola, Anderson.

Where will I be?

I just want them to be proud.

I just want my parents to be proud.

I cried.

HEAT

2009-04-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

This sudden heat wave warrants a post.

Damn this California sunshine, can't stand this heat. I sweat by just existing.

And then the bugs that start coming out. I sleep soundly without thinking about some bug that's flying or crawling around somewhere in my room that sneaked in from the outside.

I can hear their buzzes buzzing

April is bad news.

...Live

2009-03-25T23:24:00.000-07:00

Kicking back in a car listening to great music with two of my best buds.

A hard day's morning setting up the gymnasium for drumline.

Napping away a cool and cloudy Saturday afternoon with just enough warm sunlight caressing your face.

Ginseng pills and hamburger aroma.

Lotting.

And an amazing show to top it all off.

Layoff

2009-03-23T23:56:00.000-07:00

LAYOFF: THE GAME

Do I laugh?

or

Do I cry?

If You Don't Have Anything to Die For...

2009-03-18T16:27:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to write for a while now but every time I come to my keyboard and I feel like I have something to write about, nothing comes. My fingers fail to punch out what I'm feeling. Sometimes I figure that smashing my face into the keyboard would produce something just as good. However, now I'm going to try anyways.

Life has become so tiring, I just want to give up. The daily grind wears down on me. It seems like the gray suit wearing, hermetically sealed suburbs of the 50s are no different now.

School, homework, sleep. Repeat and rinse. Sometimes I can feel my creativity being stifled by everything around me.

At the same time I can feel the real world tearing open the seal to my life, pulling me out, and putting the boot of reality and firmly stamping it against the asphalt of the world.

After 16 years, almost 17, of avoiding the spotlight and bottling things up I find myself standing on the sidelines watching my emotions seep out of me. Suddenly after 16 year, almost 17, I find my lack of emotions alarming. It seems as if I hardly care for anything that happens and I'm at a loss of words when something confronts me.

Spending my life in a textbook has made stupid. It has me socially retarded.

"Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education."

Oh, how true I think that is now. How else could one see it?

I even look at myself and now wonder,

"Who am I?"

I feel so cookie-cutter, devoid of a personality.

Factory direct. Wholesale. Dime a dozen. Mass produced.

I see college admissions for the seniors and wonder, "Where does that leave me?"

What drives me? After 16 years, almost 17, I finally wonder what's been my ambition. After running an academic marathon, I stop and look back, then I look forward.

Where am I?

Why have I been running? To where am I running? Or what am I running from?

I'm closing in nearer to a crossroads of my life and can't see far because of the heat distortion of the California sun.

It's melting my gray matter.

I just want to sleep and hide under my covers for the rest of my life.

Without something to die for, what do I have to live for?

Art?

2009-01-14T03:58:00.000-08:00

That's my problem. Art.

Maybe I'm just not looking in the right direction. Too busy thinking of how to make it more than it is when all it needs to be is casual.

Who cares what a pompous, old critic considers brilliant?

The Incompetence

2009-01-12T21:28:00.000-08:00

Today was a usual day.

Get up, school, nap, eat, work.

But in between eat and work I found something. I found my brother's old AP English work papers in a file full of random junk. So I start to read through the papers analyzing Mark Twain, some sonnets, etc. Then I come up on work that hasn't changed in 5 years: Billy Budd Quote Quiz, Mimic Writing Exercise, among others that I can't remember off the top of my head.

Something dawns on me as I read through the papers.

I am terrible at this. I read through these close reads and all I can think to myself is, "I would have never caught this!" Even on the work that we both did he got a higher score. Between never catching the things my brother caught in close reading and him getting a higher score on the same work I start to think more. He was just lazy in school and he got better marks than I did. What if he tried? Where does that leave me? I don't want to think of it as a failure on my part, but how else should I think of it? Not that I'm out to one-up him, but I can't help but think of competition.

Only left me more confused about my future.
But maybe something good will come out of it.
Or maybe I'll just never measure up.

The New Year

2009-01-09T23:38:00.000-08:00

Another year gone by.

It all seems like a blur.

Those Moments

2008-12-07T23:20:00.000-08:00

Are the best. When you can just sit back and relax with your friends or whoever and not have to worry about anything else in the world. Just talking about whatever whether serious or not. Just kickin' back waiting for someone to come or just burning the midnight oil at that donut store down the street. Makes me think how much I really love those moments and how I take them for granted. Just want those moments to never end.

Sleep when you're dead.

2008-12-02T21:53:00.001-08:00

I can taste my sleep nowadays. That taste in your mouth after you wake up where everything in your mouth tastes stale or something. I'm starting to taste that in school a lot. I guess it's my fault for being a procrastinator...but that's too hard so I'll just blame school and everything else for my being so tired.

Like French. How I despise. Deliver me from French. I hate that class so much. To do well I have to study, but to study I need to stay up later for it there by making me sleep in class, but if I sleep in class my grade is lowered. Is that a Catch 22? I'm not sure....too tired to figure it out.

But I suppose in the end there isn't really I can do. I can sleep when I'm dead. But, "To work hard, to live hard, to die hard, and then go to hell after all would be too damn hard."

Humans need to just evolve out of sleeping already. I've partly started I reckon.

The Fuzz

2008-11-20T18:46:00.000-08:00

Pirating. It's so easy. I used to believe I pirated for a just cause or for a just reason, but who am I kidding? I pirate so much that I scare myself. I mean to stop, but it's just so easy. It's there for the taking. What can a man do?

TCB

2008-10-29T23:15:00.000-07:00

Taking care of business.

It's what I'm not doing.

Seinfeld has is crippling my productivity. It has a choke hold on me. Half way through season 8 I'm relieved that it'll over soon, which could mean a return to my regular levels of procrastination, but at the same time I'm saddened. The show is simply too good.

But worse than Seinfeld is the internet.

I find myself aimlessly wandering through page after page of the same thing I've seen over and over again or just clicking at links that just keep leading to one thing and then another. Then when my internet goes out suddenly my world seems to go with it. My umbilical cord to the rest of the world is suddenly severed and I'm left a helpless baby wallowing in my own anger and sadness. Then when that cord is reconnected I'm crawling back into the womb of the information super highway. I mean how useful is a computer without internet? It's like an empty refrigerator.

The thing is that if I'm not in front of my computer then it's fine. I can go days, weeks, months without the internet I reckon...I don't actually know, but I'd like to think I can otherwise I'm a pathetic excuse for a human.

Or am I?

How different is having internet than from having a radio, television, newspaper, a phone, mail, or a group of friends. It's almost like a fix for a junkie of the 21st century. But in many ways the internet is to our generation as what the television or radio was to the last generation. It's not fair to be singled out for something like that in my mind. Jazz, rock and roll, comic books, and now video games and the internet. Everyone is looking for a scapegoat for their problems.

Deciding whether or not to destroy this virtual city or trying to figure out how the gang in Seinfeld is going to get themselves out of another pickle is mine. At least for now. It's just reality is so...hard.

Day

2008-10-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

"Shit. How am I going to pass this French quiz? Wait...what's this joker...shit!"
My fingers scrambled for my breaks, but got tangled up. It was too late. I couldn't do anything.

Next thing I know I'm on the ground. I get up on my knees and first thing I see is my yellow banana. I grab the banana and wonder how it survived, then check my other jacket pocket for my Danimals yogurt drink. Still intact. I grab onto the unrolled window driver door and pull myself up. I feel shaky all over. My body vibrating and I can't control it.

"What the shit"

I thought to myself.

I hear, "You okay?" Some guy walking by. Doesn't even bother to stop and just keeps on walking.

"I'm going to be late for school" I said to myself.

I look over and the car is still there. Now I'm on my feet, still shaking. It's hard to stand straight and I wobble around. I feel two hands on my shoulders.

"You okay? You want to go to hopeetuhl?"

Broken English with a heavy Asian accent.

"Spend my life trying not to give Asians a bad name and this happens."

I try to push myself away from them, after all I don't really want comfort from these idiots that just pulled up right in front of me. Then again it could be my fault...shit they should still be looking. They guide, or push, me over to the curb and sit me down. They bring me my frozen water for the practice that day and I put it up against my head. I could feel the the part above my right eyebrow starting to swell. Where else should I put it? I'm shaking all over and I can't control it. I try to figure out whether it's because I'm cold or because I'm in shock. Pull out my phone. 7:20.

"Now I'm really going to be late to school..."

I debate in my mind what to do. Call my mom. Call the police. Text Gloria.

Eventually I call my mom and tell her what happened. Her voice is alarmed and tells me she'll be there.

I think a while longer wondering whether or not to tell Gloria I've been in an accident. I don't want her to worry, but at the same time she'd be worried if I didn't say anything.

So I text her.

I see a bright yellow firetruck race past me and the accident site with its sirens blaring.

"Hm...maybe I should call the cops."

Out of the corner of my eye I see Kevin. He's running across the road towards me. Asking me what happened. He can't do much and I don't expect him to, but he stays like I think a good samaritan should do.

My jaw is chattering. I still can't stop shaking.

A motorcycle cop pulls up. Kevin's mom pulls up. Jaine's mom pulls up. My mom comes down. Ambulance on the scene. The fire truck I saw race past me is now coming back. All matters of questions being asked.

Broken English to my right.

Officers talking to my left.

I recount what happened to the cop in front of me.

Paramedics check my body. Neck. Legs. Back. Put me on a stretcher and strap me in tight. Ants are crawling all over me from the grass nearby. Paramedics are swatting my body trying to get them off and finally put me in the ambulance. I hear them talking about which hospital to go to. Asking their boss or dispatcher or whoever is in charge of paramedics.

IV tube. Wince. Ouch.

I don't really know why. "Just in case," is what I get from what they were saying.

I only see the ceiling of the ambulance. I can't move my head. The guy in back with me makes small talk. I converse with him, but not really caring. Apparently I broke the window in the back door. Just wanting to think for a minute about what happened. I talk anyways all the while I hear "Staying Alive" from the radio. I feel ants biting me. More swatting.

The ride must have taken at least 30 minutes. How urgent.

I arrive and they pull me out of the ambulance and roll me through the trauma center. It's strange only being able to look at the ceiling. You just see everything roll by you. Maybe this is how Tralfamadores see life.

They pull me off the stretcher and put me on a bed. They give me a nice warm blanket.

The doc comes over and checks my body. Neck. Legs. Back. Tells me I'm fine. Get released. On my way back to school. I wonder why I hadn't some kind of epiphany or life changing experience. Maybe I'm not just that kind of guy. Or maybe that kind of stuff only happens on TV and in books. I come back half way during 3rd period. I start taking notes. I'm spelling things wrong and writing down the wrong words. I go through my day as usual except for people coming up and asking what happened.

I guess it was just another day.

The Real McCoy

2008-08-13T22:43:00.000-07:00

To do:
-Billy Budd
-Shipping News
-United States History Advanced Placement
-Get shit together

Talk about time flying by. One day it was June 4th, 2008 and now it's August 13, 2008 with only a few weeks until school left. Back then...I was looking forward to getting out of school, relaxing, Japan, and whatever else I was thinking about. Now I'm wondering if I can power through and get my work done. Sometimes writing down what is happening or what is going on and what needs to be done puts things into perspective.

PERSPECTIVE?

Late Night Jibber Jabber

2008-06-04T00:37:00.000-07:00

Walking is lost. I think walking with your friends or just whoever is a good thing that many people might not do anymore. Sure it's nice to have a car, but walking is just as good as any to get to somewhere. With walking you share the journey of the walk. The heat, cold, pain, and whatever else that may happen during the walk. Maybe it's just me. It would be nice to have a car sometimes, but at other times it's just fun to go on a random walk to who knows where without any prior plan as to what you're doing or where you're going.

Kind of like letting go of the wheel.

Letting go. That time of year. For some their time is up. Saying bye to some is tough whether or not you show it. Even if you don't really think about when they're gone you'll notice that they are gone, and then you'll be missing them. It's weird to imagine a year with so many people gone, so many things changing. Right now, it doesn't seem like it'll be a change for the better, but isn't that how change always seems like? Especially if the way it is right now isn't bad. If you're at bottom then something has to change.

Rock bottom.

You know when you've hit it. Something has gone wrong. Maybe you know exactly what went wrong other times you don't. It all feels the same regardless. What is rock bottom? How can you know how it feels to be at the lowest of the low? You've only touched the bottom of how much you know. There can always be a lower point, can't there?

1 AM

How I told myself that I wouldn't be awake this late again. How many times I have told myself this, but always find myself in my chair with my legs stretched out, crossed, and staring at the bottom right hand corner of my computer screen wondering, "Where did all that time go." As if some how I just lost that much time to a void where all lost time goes to and just piles up. Then I wonder. Wonder what I did to make all that time disappear. It only happens when you actually have something important to do though. When you have nothing to do wasting time isn't fun.

Fun.

A relative term. Do you ever wonder how life would be different if the things you thought were fun were things like waking up early, doing homework, doing work, etc. For some it is. For me it isn't. What a stupid thing to think. Where am I going?

With this?

I don't know. Stream of consciousness. Ulysses, Joyce, existentialism, Age of Anxiety. Knowledge that is seemingly useless, but may come in handy one day. Until that day though, it's useless. Seeing is believing? If I never saw Earth again would that mean it didn't exist to me? That I would be dead to the planet? Or would memories keep it alive? Or are memories things that just make you miss something more, and ultimately hurt you more once you realize that you don't have it anymore? All a matter of how you perceive it I suppose.

Perception.

People make me wonder. How can someone think of that? Who saw this and thought that it was a good idea? Do these people ever listen to themselves? Do I ever listen to myself? Do I really believe in what I think I believe in? Maybe I just don't give people enough chances. Or maybe I just can't accept some peoples' perception about things. Like leadership. Some people just seem so closed minded and cocky about themselves. Sometimes I point it out, but other times they just won't listen. People are so full of themselves. I may be one of those people.

Stubborn.

That's what they are. That's what I am. I'd like to think I'm accepting of other ideas, but sometimes it's just so absurd. They don't see the other side or just refuse to believe it. It feels like watching a basketball game where the teams can't see each other. That didn't come out as I thought it would. Things never seem to really come out the way I hope they would.

So I'm glad she did.

If you're still reading this nonsense -cough-Nick-cough-. You're probably the only one that ever seems to care if I write in this or not. Rightfully so. You seem to be the only person to ever be as bored as me and act in the manner that I do. Sometimes you come off insulting me and what not, but I suppose that's just the way you are and despite that fact you're still one of my role models. Oh well, if and when you do read this you'll probably call me gay. I can already see it now. Hahahaha.

The End.

Of my post is approaching. I always write down what I'm thinking or feeling in these, but it never seems really specific enough to really get anything out them. Just vague thoughts that run through my mind one day and maybe come back another. But always coming back. Always.

Always.

Always coming back to nag at my mind. About something...there's always something..

Until then, nothing.

AAA

2008-05-23T00:12:00.000-07:00

AAA - WORKING TITLE

WRITING SCRIPT.

Surreal

2008-03-03T18:15:00.000-08:00

It feels all very...surreal.

2008-02-26T23:10:00.000-08:00

Camera trails across ground leading up to a body with a pool a blood forming around it.

Camera rolls up to show a man in a chair with his head down holding a hand gun.

Cut to behind the man in the chair, overlooking the dead body.

V.O.: Oh well...

Cut to title. Cue violins.

A A A

COMING SOON?

Koyaanisqatsi

2008-02-15T15:24:00.000-08:00

I'm sure I'm not the first. A strange thought came to me as I sat on my couch petting my cat. I sat there looking at my cat and then it struck me, like a bat at my head. My cat is something living. She breathes, hears, sees, smells. It's strange because I always knew my cat was alive, but it was something else. The strangeness of the situation. A living thing owning another living thing. If you read this you'll probably wonder at my thought and think how dumb, but it was something else that really hit me. I imagine that that's what it must feel like to reach enlightenment, even for a split second.

Out of the loop. Never been in it.

Cold like the street, stupid like the city.

Got. Kept.

Or maybe it was a brain tumor.

Heavy

2008-02-14T15:46:00.000-08:00

We're strapped to a train cart on a rail. Head encased in metal with only one tiny eye hole with six feet of pipe welded onto it resting on a bipod. We can't touch it or move it. Our perception of time. Our perception of life. And we have no choice but to say, "That's life." - Taken from Slaughter House - Five

What else can we say? There's nothing we can do when our life takes a sharp turn to suck town. Like when your binder crashes to the floor and sprays out all of it's contents across the floor. Twice in the same week. Or when you get a C on Chem test that you could have gotten an A on. Or when you look at life and wonder how people can hang onto something seemingly so hopeless for so long. It doesn't make a difference. It's out of our control. All we can do is look back on the pleasant moments and ignore the bad ones. The universe's destiny is set.

I thought we controlled our future. We can change the course of history and there was no set destination. If we tried hard enough we could change the future. No inevitable future.

I don't know what to think anymore. Then again, I don't think I ever did. The only thing we can do is to keep on moving, to soldier on, even when things do get heavy.

That's life.

2008-02-14T00:00:00.001-08:00

HAPPY VALENTINES GABBY AND NICK!

HAPPY VALENTINES GABBY AND NICK!
HAPPY VALENTINES GABBY AND NICK!
HAPPY VALENTINES GABBY AND NICK!
HAPPY VALENTINES GABBY AND NICK!
HAPPY VALENTINES GABBY AND NICK!

Solitaire

2008-02-06T20:39:00.000-08:00

is the master of games. It brings sadness and loss in morale from the sheer difficulty of the game. Brings joy when you beat that first Solitaire game, which you thought was impossible at first. It lets you customize your deck from a number of preset pictures. You like frogs? No problem, Solitaire's got a frog style deck. You like fish? No problem, Solitaire's got that too. The simplicity in the game drives sane men to the loony bin. Anyone who plays on Draw One is a wuss, everyone knows that Draw Three is where it's at. Try Vegas style scoring for an added challenge.

The British called it Patience. They knew what they were talking about.

2008-02-04T22:03:00.001-08:00

HOPE. PROGRESS.

Climbing Ever Closer

2008-02-01T15:31:00.000-08:00

to the near two months I haven't updated. In fact I do believe that anyone that would care to read this would be Nick. Yes, you Nick. I know you'll read this once this goes up since you're the one who told me to finally update my blog. So I may as well dedicate this post to you. In fact I might as well just have a conversation with you right now and break that fourth wall. Even though if I really wanted to do that then I could just talk to you in the IM box that's open right next to my Firefox window so that would be pretty pointless. Then again people have conversations through Myspace comments, so how much more absurd would it be to have a conversation through a blog? Not absurd at all if you ask me, there's plenty more things to be worried about in this world anyways. I don't know why I use punctuation, capitalization, or any other grammar marks in this. I mean even if I tried there would be grammar mistakes everywhere anyways so to me it would seem to be pointless. Like this part of the post, it really should be another paragraph. And that comma I used in that last sentence and this sentence, are they even used correctly? Or is that all a part of my writing style? Or it's just me not having a good handle on the English language? Whatever the case I suppose it doesn't make that much of difference in the end. We're all working towards a moot goal. When we leave this place all that will have been left behind are the scars we leave on this planet from all the strip mining, pollution, etc. But that shouldn't be the way of human thinking and to many it isn't. Thinking like that only get you two things:1. Hopelessness that'll drive you to give up on life and pursue nothing higher in your life. 2.Drive for a better future and a will to survive. Number 2 is the choice that the primal side of humans will make, but for many by the time that happens it'll be too late. Hopes of alternative fuels, clean air, a green tomorrow all seem to be always only 5 or 10 years away yet by the time that rolls around it's just another 5 or 10 years away. How long will it be before we actually put these technologies to use? Greed is a tough monster to overcome and many in business suits would rather bow down to. Strange thoughts come to mind when you let you're mind wander and have a writing utensil nearby, be it keyboard or pencil. My own personal future seems ever cloudier every day that goes by. What do I want to do? It seems like every time I come to write here that question always comes up and I find myself answering it in a similar fashion. First I'll talk about it and then I'll go on to ways to possibly fulfill that goal, but this time I don't think so. It just seems like a way to lie to myself with me actually believing in the lie. Always waiting on external forces to push me and my future. It's about time that I find my own drive. See what I did there? Another lie that I seem to have conjured up. Who knows though, maybe this time I'll actually follow what I say. I suppose if the future was clear there would be no point in living, but the mystery haunts me everyday. Scared for my future and my laziness. Too much to do, too little time. It always seems like that doesn't it? To people like me anyways. Those who sit around for 2, 3 hours doing nothing and then think to themselves, "What! Where did all the time go!?" Then we find ourselves panicking and rushing, putting out sub-par work. To depend on that randomness factor to swoop in and save me from myself is nothing, but a fantasy. A fantasy that all of should get away from. Those who made it, made it on their will to do. I seem to lack that. Writing on my blog always gets me down because of the stuff I write on here. But what else should a blog like my own be used for? I suppose this is what the purpose of my blog, to write my own sorrow onto it and leave for others to come by and laugh or be angry at the kinds of problems in my life, when other people have bigger ones. Meh, what can I say that will please passerbyers? Nothing, that's what. As of now I am discontent.

Disappointment

2007-12-09T21:24:00.000-08:00

So this weekend has been pretty disappointing.

Saturday wake up early and do a holiday parade, which was ok but not the way I would like to spend my Saturday mornings. Then "ghost hunting" which was anything but.

Sunday wake up around 5:30 or something to go skiing, which ended up being another disappointment. Wake up super early again only to find that the road going to Snow Summit is closed. So we went to the nearest ski resort which was Snow Valley. $90 wasted because those douches only open 3 of the lifts: bunny hill, slightly steeper bunny hill, and the snowboarders ramp shit. So we went down the slightly steeper bunny hill for 3 hours or so, which I can't even think of how that was possible now. At least if the lift went a little faster it might have been better, but no the lift takes at least 5 minutes and in less than a minute your already back at the freaking lift. On top that the lift operator acted like everyone was retarded and had t o t a l k r e a l l y s l o w to everyone because apparently he thinks no one knows how to sit on a chair. So we leave.

Dickens I don't know how he does it, but he puts me to sleep all the time. I can't get past a couple of paragraphs before I find myself asleep. Like on the way back from the mountains I'm reading it in the car and I don't even realize I'm asleep until my brother asks me what book I'm reading.

I had a weird dream though while I was asleep. I dreamt that someone was pouring me a drink and then I hear my brother ask what book I'm reading and my drink turns into books and I'm drinking it.

Anyways, I don't dig the reason why he was such a great writer. His books have tons of detail in them, but it's only because he got paid by the word. In my mind that means he wrote unnecessarily long just so he could get paid and not because it helped the story.

I think the rest of the week will be looking better though. I always thought if bad things happen to you good things have to happen in order for life to be balanced. Life is balanced if you think about it...maybe not... In any case tomorrow is another day.

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving” - Albert Einstein

“Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.” - Brian Tracy

“When a man asks himself what is meant by action he proves that he isn't a man of action. Action is a lack of balance. In order to act you must be somewhat insane. A reasonably sensible man is satisfied with thinking.” - James Arthur Brian

I suppose I'm a reasonably sensible man then......I want, nay, need to be insane.

RAIN!

2007-12-06T23:56:00.001-08:00

RAIN! I LOVE IT!

Copying

2007-12-03T01:09:00.000-08:00

Copying. Makes me feel stupid. I feel like I'm getting dumber from every day that passes by. I'm starting to question how much of my work is actually my work. I'm feeling like a total failure right now. Feels like I'm copying every other thing nowadays. It's not a good feeling. I wish I would stop, but my procrastinating demons won't leave me. I question how well I'll do in school. Essays? Those haven't been doing so well. When I do my own work it seems to always turn out bad. How am I supposed to take SATs like this? I don't even know anymore. Right at this moment I'm feeling the worst I've felt in a while. My chest is feels like it's on fire and choking up. I can't even write a decent essay anymore. Even this is a bunch of jumbled up sentences that hardly make much sense. This all needs to change now. Maybe this is just how things are supposed to be, but I don't know. I don't feel the sense of pride from getting my own work done anymore, it always feels like it's someone else's because it probably is. From here on out I'm changing the way I conduct things. If I don't then things will only get worse.

Weekending

2007-12-02T20:59:00.000-08:00

Friday - Being decisive for once and made the decision to go to the Aquabats concert, which was the right choice. Yo Gabba Gabba was so awesome, Hunter Revenge was forgettable, and The Aquabats was cool. Moshing was intense and scary as all hell when I fell on the floor. Planet Terror was hilarious. Need to finish Death Proof because we had to go right at the best part. Anybody want an Aquabats sticker?

Saturday - Slept a good 12 hours then went on an adventure filled with thrills.

Sunday - Sleep, eat, lounge. Once again procrastinating....I must stop. My neck and arms are sore from who knows what. I should get a good night's sleep tonight, but who knows how that will go.

The sound of jazz flows into my room from downstairs, relaxing. Nice music to reflect to. I need to watch more movies, read more books, listen to more music, find a way to make money. I feel like destroying something...something amazing or beautiful. Or just destroying some pixels on my computer. Someone get me a beard cap, a Japanese Aquabats shirt, and a BIG messenger bag to go on my back.

Marching Band: A Retrospective

2007-11-21T20:52:00.000-08:00

The season is finally over. We've had an amazing streak this year and I really don't regret much. Not making finals was heartbreaking, but we represented Cali well. Looking back this was a really fun year. There's been a lot of memories to be kept. Seniors will be missed next year. They really seem like the life of the party and it will be a completely different place without them.

And...

Well that's all I really have to say. What more can I say?

2007-11-13T15:49:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen please
Would you bring your attention to me?
For a feast for your eyes to see
An explosion of catastrophe

Like nothing you’ve ever seen before
Watch closely as I open this door
Your jaws will be on the floor
After this you’ll be begging for more

Welcome to the show
Please come inside
Ladies and gentlemen

Boom
Do you want it?
Boom
Do you need it?
Boom
Let me hear it
Ladies and gentlemen

Boom
Do you want it?
Boom
Do you need it?
Boom
Let me hear it
Ladies and gentlemen

Ladies and gentlemen good evening
You’ve seen that seeing is believing
Your ears and your eyes will be bleeding
Please check to see if you’re still breathing

Hold tight cause the show is not over
If you will please move in closer
You're about to be bowled over
By the wonders you’re about to behold here

Welcome to the show (welcome to the show)
Please come inside
Ladies and gentlemen

Boom
Do you want it?
Boom
Do you need it?
Boom
Let me hear it
ladies and gentlemen

boom
Do you want it?
boom
Do you need it?
boom
Let me hear it

Welcome to the show
We're glad you came along
Please come inside
Ladies and gentlemen

Boom
Do you want it?
Boom
Do you need it?
Boom
Let me hear it
Ladies and gentlemen

Ayala is coming for you Indy.

Ooo yeah

2007-11-10T01:38:00.000-08:00

Online Videos by Veoh.com

WANT

2007-11-07T22:13:00.001-08:00

Awesome.

Dope.

Fresh.

Tight.

Classic.

Gangster.Indy.

Top.

Work Hard

2007-11-05T23:59:00.000-08:00

"To work hard, to live hard, to die hard, and then go to hell after all would be too damn hard." -Carl Sandburg

Oh man!How long ago did I get that from Gwen?I wish I saw her around more or talked to her or something. Tight person.

I want to keep band life out of this, but Indy is a-comin! Get excited for that.
HEY BIG BRO IF YOU READ THIS BOA LA THIS SATURDAY. LAST COMPETITION BEFORE INDY!WATCH!

How I feel

2007-11-01T23:02:00.000-07:00

How I feel....how do I feel.

  You sit there,
                   your heart-rate jacked,
      your hand......steady...

The week is all messed up. Schedule wise that is. 
Sleep is the word for the while.
I'd forgotten how good The Departed was.

"Maybe, maybe not, maybe it's not any of your fucking business."-The Departed

I wish I had something more to talk about...

A Life of Mediocrity

2007-10-21T23:38:00.000-07:00

Last week I think? Something like that. I was learning the six step and attempting to do it, horribly. Anyways when Robert says, "What are you good at?" I've often pondered that myself. I felt angry then just because...well, how would you feel if someone asked you that? Then the PSAT asked my on Saturday. Anyways, it's something I've wondered myself since...whenever I became old enough to seriously think about my future.

What am I good at?

Honestly, I don't know. I'm mediocre/good at everything. Sure I excel in some things but not to the point of being considered genius, potential, or talented. I'm OK with almost everything I do. Sometimes I'm good or sometimes I'm bad. I haven't really found my thing. Everyone else has music, art, writing, sport, mathematics, language, etc. I have _______.

I think the first thing I ever wanted to be was an artist. That's just what I think....then I realized that I'm not that good of an artist. I mean everyone is good when they're 5, right? Then there's chef but I lack whatever is needed to be one. Video game maker has been persistent throughout (What does Jaffe do?). Then.....I don't know. That's all I remember. Recently? I think something to do with photography. Cinematography? Something like that. Then again I'm not really that good in any of those either I think. I don't know what to do, to become. I hope I find whatever I'm good at soon. I hope it's something that doesn't require living in a cubicle.

I've noticed I write a lot about my future or maybe I don't....? Perhaps I need to reflect more on what's happening now to find out more about myself. I might find something then....but who knows.

"To accomplish great things, we must dream as well as act."-Anatole France

Again

2007-10-15T22:45:00.003-07:00

Which reminds me.....I need The Boggs album Forts. It's so good...

Clouds

2007-10-15T15:33:00.000-07:00

I suppose now would be a good time to update my blog. I figure I should update when I feel that something major is happening in my life. I don't know why people update when all they do is recount their day as if to make sure they remember what they ate for lunch. I mean what's the point of blogs if you don't put down your emotions, thoughts, etc. Sure it's public so you may not want everyone to read it, but I still feel as if it defeats the purpose of writing these. Actually I don't really know why I write these. It always feels as if when I feel like writing something down I'm not near my computer or I don't have anywhere to write it down.

Which reminds me, I need to get a dream journal. Or maybe just a general journal for whatever I have to write down.

Then again knowing me I might be too lazy to do it....I wish I weren't so lazy. How do you change that?

Anyways, school feels like it's more pressure. It's probably because I'm lazy. WHY?
Laziness seems to be the root of all my problems. If I could just get on top of things I'm sure it'd be all better, but until that happens I guess I'm stuck living this way. I feel like I'm saying this as if I know everything. At 15 though how much can you really know?

Which reminds me, I wanted to write or do something about the education system.

How can I expect myself to accomplish these goals I have for myself when I can barely update these regularly? I don't know...failure seems like an evermore appealing option. For the short run anyways. Long run....who knows, I might strike it lucky with something. College?I don't even know what I want to be. I'm still hanging on the idea of going into something related to film. Photographer has become more appealing to me. Maybe...who knows.

Which reminds me, Eagle. I need to get my shit together.

Emotion wise I feel not happy. I don't want to say depressed because I don't really think that's what it is. More like...I feel empty, but heavy at the same time. Bouts of anger when I'm arguing with someone are really the only times I feel alive. I feel the blood rush through my veins. The color return to my face? I don't really know. Maybe it's just that I like someone...I don't really want to say that I do though because I don't feel like I do, at the same time some how I do.

Which reminds me, I'm a liar. Sorry to the person I lied to even though they'll probably never see this.

Which reminds me, I want some more Adiddas and some Kangol hats. Godfather hats, Fedoras.

Which reminds me, I want to watch some more movies.

Which reminds me, I don't really like writing these because I don't think I can really express the way I feel, or think through words. Maybe if I was better with the English language I would want to be a writer. That's one reason I feel like I want to do something with film or photography. Words are powerful. Images are more powerful. In my opinion, but this my blog so I guess I don't really have to say that.

Which reminds me, computers. I want to upgrade. Or something so I can enjoy some Orange Box and Bioshock from the comfort of my room.

I remember some people actually bothered to read these when I would update more, but now I would bet that no one will read this....until after a long time has passed. I'll end this the way I used to though.

"Doubt whom you will, but never yourself."-Christine Bovee

"Just think of the tragedy of teaching children not to doubt."-Clarence Darrow

"To have doubted one's own first principles is the mark of a civilized man."-Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

For What It's Worth

2007-09-15T20:41:00.000-07:00

Lets get the formalities out of the way. Yes, I haven't updated in a long time. Yes, there shouldn't be a post about Flagstaff still.

This is a new beginning as I am going to disregard all posts previous to this one.

Lately, I've been thinking about the time I live in. I feel like I've been born too late. Maybe it's just delusions of a simpler time, but the world we live in seems like it's spiraling into oblivion. Global warming, war, genocide, globalization, chips being implanted into people, the corporate hold over people, etc. How much longer until it all it just all collapses? Or until the men in control finally take over and unite the world under one government?

One government, one country, one leader. Rockefeller, Rothschild, and the like are the ones in control. The North American Union...ever heard of it? Probably not. If you haven't, aren't you interested in why you don't know about something like that? The chips to track you where ever you go. The dumbing down of America. The New World Order.

“It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would be a revolution before tomorrow morning.”
- Henry Ford

“Some even believe we (the Rockefeller family) are part of a secret cabal working against the best interests of the United States, characterizing my family and me as ‘internationalists’ and of conspiring with others around the world to build a more integrated global political and economic structure – one world, if you will. If that's the charge, I stand guilty, and I am proud of it.”
- David Rockefeller, Memoirs, page 405

"We are on the verge of a global transformation. All we need is the right major crisis and the nations will accept the New World Order."
- David Rockefeller

“Bankers own the earth; take it away from them but leave them with the power to create credit; and, with a flick of a pen, they will create enough money to buy it back again... If you want to be slaves of bankers and pay the cost of your own slavery, then let the bankers control money and control credit.”
- Sir Josiah Stamp, Director, Bank of England, 1940.

“Give me control of a nation's money and I care not who makes it's laws."
- Mayer Amschel Bauer Rothschild

http://amtruth.com/NWOquotes1

There has to be something to all this, right?

Watch.

Zeitgeist - The Movie, 2007
Why We Fight
The Corporation
America: From Freedom to Facism
This Is What Democracy Looks Like
Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media

The Income Tax is a LIE.

Is a revolution in order?

"In the world I see - you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway. " - Tyler Durden

Maybe you think I'm just talking out of my ass, but this is what I believe. A revolution is in order.

Part 1

2007-04-09T03:12:00.000-07:00

3 A.M. The precursor to another day wasted. The screen blaring, the music playing. Why? Should be sleeping...like a disease it keeps me awake. Keeps me staring. Idle. The first chapter of a broken mind. Everything broken. An over dramatic observer who has nothing better to do. Paranoid everyone is always plotting against him. A wired individual always concerned of what he is thought of when he knows they shouldn't. It's broken. Makes no sense. What is this? Horrible. It's broken, wasted. The chronicle of a dilapidated mind. An over dramatic apocryphal story no being should see.

I suppose

2006-12-14T21:09:00.000-08:00

Looong time since I've written in this. Since the last post band season is over sadly. Most know about the band and it's achievements so nothing new there. This however did catch my eye:

http://www.fullmoon.nu/articles/art.php?id=tal

Whether or not it's true or not doesn't really matter I just think it's interesting.
I don't necessarily believe it being an atheist, but some how I think it would make more sense than the beliefs other people have.
If it's true I think we should be getting on this.
If not it still makes for a good story to read.

Pre-Flagstaff

2006-10-07T01:17:00.000-07:00

Next week will be the trip to Flagstaff, Arizona for the BOA Regiona. Excited yet reluctant. Flagstaff is going to be a disappointment, but you know what they say don't assume anything because it makes an ass out of you and me. We'll just have to wait and see. Maybe we can get it together by next week.

"A mind troubled by doubt cannot focus on the course to victory."-Arthur Golden

The Longest Time

2006-09-25T23:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a forever since I've touched this thing.I've been meaning to update it soon, but there was never any time or if there was I was too lazy to.Mostly because I doubt anyone would read this.Other than that Ayala is alright and so is marching band even though I suck.There's really nothing else that happened since whenever the last time I wrote was.Oh yeah, uhhh....Robert Shiau is cool and a true G.There I wrote about you.

300 is gonna be the sht!
Watch the trailer!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jBqm7ZKAC0

"The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8m/sec/sec." -Marcus Dolengo

"If a trainstation is where the train stops, what's a workstation...?" -Anon

P.S. Trailer is got taken down!Watch while you can!
http://download.ifilm.com/qt/portal/2773266_300.mov

Tired

2006-08-12T16:40:00.000-07:00

Last time I posted was a long time ago in a far away galaxy.Well since then I've been through 2 band camps, 1 week long camp, and going to start another band camp on Monday.Week long camp was alright down in San Diego with friends.Met cool people and made new friends and got 3 shades darker....then got 1 shade lighter after I took a shower.Well I'm tired...Lates.

Bands, Viruses, Devils, The End

2006-06-07T20:58:00.000-07:00

Well it has been quite a long time since the last time I posted on this.Since then I made it into the marching band and Ayala, caught a virus on my computer and now lags like a drunk monkey, June 6, 2006 passed without much incident or the world ending, and the end of Canyon Hills and the beginning of Ayala is closer.I am sad that many of my friends from Canyon Hill will be going to different schools, but I'm more excited to leave Canyon Hills. That still seems quite a ways away though and all I care about right now is fixing my computer.

The Update

2006-04-25T19:26:00.000-07:00

Since the last time I posted nothing of importance has happened....except for this:

Yes it is a haircut and no there aren't any highlights Thomas, it's just the light reflecting off it. Most people laugh at it and others think I look like an Asian Fonzie, but I think it makes me look like an old school banchou and if you don't know what that is look it up on google images.The 1st or 2nd image should give you an idea.
That's all for now.Goodluck and goodnight.

Late at night

2006-04-16T02:53:00.000-07:00

Tired. 3:19 AM. The whole house is in a silence except my Wynton Marsalis. I want to sleep, but feel a need to be awake, waiting. For what I don't know, but that I waited too long. My song got cut because of a bad download. I need to sleep, want to sleep. Yet something compels me to continue. Willow Weep For Me plays.

In the hail

2006-03-11T15:50:00.000-08:00

It started hailing out of no where.I got up from the couch and went outside into the hail.I stood in it with nothing but a shirt, shorts, and sandals.I stood there watching the hail crash into me exploding as it did leaving ice chunks on me.The hail kept on coming harder and faster like the Gods throwing ice at me.I feel nothing and continue to stand there.Next thing I know it turns into rain and I realize that I'm freezing cold.I walk back in shivering then move through my house to the front yard.I looked around and looked as if a very thin sheet of snow had just fallen.Speckles of white on the grass and hail gathered in the grooves of roofs.Beautiful.If I only had a camera.I kept looking on for a bit longer without a thought to disturb the sight.It dawns on me once more that I'm in only a shirt and shorts and walk back in.I walk up to my room grab my jacket and wrap myself in it and started to type this entry.

"Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having."-Ambrose Bierce

"When all is said and done, the weather and love are the two elements about which one can never be sure."-Alice Hoffman

The Good Things

2006-03-09T18:20:00.000-08:00

Too often these days I see people I know, care about fall into pits of depression.Too often we let the good things in our life escape us.In our quest for happiness I see people fall into holes that they've dug themselves.Why focus on the bad things in life?Why don't we do something to fix it?Is it because we're lazy?We work for the things we enjoy, yet more often than not we leave the things that are bad and leave at that.Take whatever it throws and do nothing about it.God forbid we stand up and do something to fix what's wrong.Let our voices be heard.Except we've learned that things will eventually take care of themselves at someone else's expense.Throw trash onto the ground and then the next moment walk right next to a trash can.Leave a table with a mess all over and expect it to be gone the next day ready to be destroyed again.That's not right is it?Of course it's not.I think not having a services like that for an extended amount of time will teach us a good lesson.Then again that could always go the other direction and we do nothing and everything keeps on piling up expecting things to get done automatically. Which leads into what I'm trying to say, which is we do the latter.Just expect it to get done by itself.So why not do something about you situation?Or tell someone, open up to someone and tell them your problems so at least they can try to help you.Though it's not bad to feel in a depressed state once in a while just not all the time.

I hope that the things that I write someone will read and will at least get something out of it.Not just gathering dust and be messages of jibberish of a crazy kid once upon a time.

Apologies if my ranting never makes sense.

"You must respect yourself forst you wrect yourself"
"Hey man you made a ryhme!"
"Yes it is for I am a rap God, from beyond the moon"-DangerDoom Album

1 Year!

2006-03-05T19:12:00.000-08:00

Whooo!Celebration for my 1 year old blog!1 year ago today was when I started this blog and from it's humble beginnings became something that probably no one reads or cares about!Yet I still keep blogging for the sake of it.So ceeeeeeelebrate good times come on!

Inferior

2006-02-27T16:07:00.000-08:00

I think about my future and where I'm going to end up from things I am doing right now.I have straight A's and people say that I have a natural ability for everything I do.I don't mean to brag and many of you may be envious, but I don't think that it's that great.I mean most people have things they're better at than everything else, right?Even if it isn't academic such as skateboarding, but what about me?Right now for me it seems that everything I do I'll probably do pretty well at leaving me with many job opportunities, which should be great.But I feel like I have no definite future not even a slight glimpse into it.I know what I like such as movies, music, books, food, etc. But I've never made any sort of movie, I'm not that good at playing music, I'm not a good writer(Just look at my blogs.I'm sure I have plenty of spelling and grammatical errors.Look I don't even use paragraphs!), and I'm not the greatest cook in the world.I may be good at everything I do, but I'm only that, good. I'm not excellent or superb at anything I do.I mean sure I have those times when I'm just on a roll with what I'm doing, but those never last long.Even with things that I think I know pretty well if I look into them more I'm only scratching the surface and that I know nothing at all. I feel inferior to everyone else around me. An IQ test will show you that.114?Or somewhere near that number.Maybe it's just too early to tell.Maybe I just need something that I can express all of my ideas through, but until that I'm still going to feel inferior.No one special. Except maybe my hair.

Oh and of course it's raining!Gotta love rain.

"In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain."-Pliny the Elder

"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."-Voltaire

"Not to be absolutely certain is, I think, one of the essential things in rationality."-Bertrand Russell

The Pain

2006-02-21T19:58:00.000-08:00

Over my 3 day weekend I went to Mammoth, which was great.Lots of snowing and fresh powder though I almost froze my fingers off and ate it a couple of times it was fun.It left me with a sore neck so whenever I lay down I have a hard time getting up.Other than that life goes on as normal.

"...Must have been trying to adopt the principles of nonsensical, dadaist art...you know, like painting a picture of a cat and titling it 'Dog'."

Worthwhile

2006-02-14T18:47:00.000-08:00

I have updated this in a long time just because there's been nothing worthwhile to write about.Thoughts come and go, but nothing has held my interest. Maybe it's time to take a risk and do something instead of playing it safe.Maybe speak my mind and not just on this blog.Maybe I'll do something tomorrow.

"If you don't risk anything you risk even more."-Erica Jong

The Grey

2006-02-01T20:29:00.000-08:00

Well another week has rolled by and between being stranded at a bowling alley and my tv debut tomorrow there hasn't been anything that exciting.

I have found a cool free album by Danger Mouse that's called The Grey Album.Combines the "White album" by The Beatles and The Black Album by Jay Z.Before you even think that it'll sound bad listen to it first.It's like mixing mayonnaise, soy sauce, and dried bonita mixed together with rice that may sound sick, but you've never tried it have you?It tastes good because I have tried it before.Or like genetically altered fermented soy beans.That's all for now.Until next time

Rant

2006-01-23T18:22:00.000-08:00

It's been a over week since I last updated my blog so I feel that I should now.Well a recap on my weekend, which was...nothing really except a piano test that I took on Saturday.I choked on Fur Elise and some other pieces, but I think I did pretty good.

Well back to what I was going to really post.Over the weekend I started to really think about my future and what kind of career I should pursue.My brother's friends came to the house and took the downstairs livingroom, so I decided to come up to my room and soon got bored.So I started looking through everyone's Xangas, Myspaces, etc.One had a post of someone who had came from Troy testing and found that people who went to Troy could go to MIT.I mean I knew Troy was a good school, but never that good.So then I started to think, "If I could get into MIT...If I had a chance to go to MIT by going to Troy then maybe I should at least try."Though if I did go to Troy then I wouldn't be going to Ayala where I could join the marching band and I want to since I wouldn't just want to leave my saxophone behind and as far as I know Troy doesn't have a that great of a band.Then again how much would band really help if I wanted to pursue some other career?Or could I be missing out on meeting lots of new people from not joining the marching band?Or should I go to a completely different school?

I'm still in 8th grade and I don't want to set a career path this early for myself.I'm still thinking about other things I want to do.Possibly a film school?I looked into that and found a great website about people who've gone to film school or something like that and have experienced the process.It sounds hard, but as I was reading people said some things and I thought, "Hey, sounds kind of like me."I have plenty of ideas that I would want to turn into some kind of project such as Flash, but if i got the chance to then I would make into a movie. Some other ones are working in the Video Game industry, which also sounds very similar to the movie industry.Or author?Personally I just want a way to get my ideas out that have been in my head for a while.

Like I said I'm still in 8th grade, but in a few months I'll be in highschool then college and now it seems that time is running out to make a decision.Many of my teachers who are happy with teaching say that they never thought that they'd end up where they are now and that I should just let destiny lead my life, but then again I don't want to end up at the other end where they are now and that they hate their jobs.I don't want to make a decision too early or too late.Now my time is even smaller to make a decision because to get into to Troy I need to take the test to get in and I need to do that in 2 weeks or so I think.So I'm having a hard decision if I should or not, but at the very least I think I should try to see if I can even get in.

Sorry if there are many grammatical errors or if I split the paragraphs wrong or something, I just kind of did what I thought was good because I wasn't thinking about it too much.

And the winds the past few days have been insane.

"The more alternatives, the more difficult the choice."-Abbe'D'Allanival

"The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want."-Ben Stein

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise."-Robert Fritz

"A weak man has doubts before a decision, a strong man has them afterwards."-Karl Kraus

School Start

2006-01-10T22:11:00.000-08:00

1/9/06 was the begining of school and the rest of the year without any other breaks other than springbreak.Last year was alright and this year isn't starting out too badly.Though winter wasn't really as cold as it usually is and hasn't rained as much as it usually does, which is a dissappointment.Other than that I hope that the rest of the year goes as smoothly.I have had my eye on the Creative Muvo or another MP3 player that has at least a gig of memory.So other than that stay don't touch that dial until my next post and if you still have a dial on your TV it's time to get a new TV.

"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know."-Mark Twain

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."-Mark Twain

"To be one's self, and unafraid whether right or wrong, is more admirable than the easy cowardice of surrender to conformity."-Irving Wallace

Up

2006-01-02T18:18:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year's everybody!It is a little late, but better than not saying it right?Well break is going to be over in a couple more days and I haven't started any homework that I should have done.For New Year's though my computer got moved upstairs into my brother's room since he moved out.Now I'm closer to my bed, but other than that there's no real difference.My brother and I did smack a whole bunch of posters on the wall where the bed is and that looks pretty cool.Until next time.

Back and Posting

2005-12-28T16:43:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in over a week.Mostly sleeping, eating, being lazy, getting fat, etc.King Kong was a superb movie the 3 hour long movie ended to fast.Not much to really update on.Got a cellphone and call if you want (909)993-3748.Until next time.

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers."-Daniel J. Boorstin

"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf."-Bob Hope

Sick

2005-12-20T18:25:00.001-08:00

I haven't updated in a while since I didn't really feel like it.I was getting sick halfway through friday and hit the peak of my sickness(or at least I think so, I'm not better yet) when my winter break started.I haven't really done anything except lay around and sleeping trying to get better.I'd post more, but I don't want to.

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."-Rita Mae Brown

Quad Damage!

2005-12-08T18:00:00.000-08:00

One week from tomorrow and it'll be break!Before that there's homework, Christmas parade for band, a winter concert for band, and other such things.I'm starting to get lazy, but just need to stick it out for one more week.

On another note for people in adv. band who read this respect the stick, respect me, and you won't get in trouble. For some reason people feel the need to keep on clicking their instruments and making sounds.Just because I ain't looking at you doesn't mean that I'll come and find you.You say that I mean when I find you and tell you shut up and stop clicking your keys then call me mean, I'm just trying to make you stand still and make yourself look good.If you think that I'm a bad drum major then you shant have voted for me, but for some reason you did.

On a lighter note I'm thinking of posting an essay that I wrote for something over summer and posting it on my blog since I thought I made some good points criticizing the way school is and ways that you could fix them.This could also be where I put my Physics Journal for science.

For people looking for something to do download Castle Wolfenstein:Enemy Territory it's free and it's a fun mutliplayer game to play.Want more information?Contact me on AIM my screenname is CldMafia.For now that's all until I feel like posting again.

"If the truth is told, the youth can grow
They learn to survive until they gain control
Nobody says you have to be gangstas, hoes
Read more, learn more, change the globe"-Nas

Holidays

2005-12-02T17:05:00.000-08:00

It's around that time of year again.Where the weather finally cools down and most days look gloomy like it would rain.Anxious to get to the winter break and sleep.As for me that's exactly what I wait for throughout the year.What's better than sleeping to the sound of raindrops falling on your roof?

Fessler's Lyric

2005-11-16T20:15:00.000-08:00

Without you
by R. Fessler

When you look at me with your charm,
I get goose bumps all up my arm,
When you are near,
No need to be scared or to shred a tear,

Warmth from your eyes,
Trusting you not to tell lies,
For they will cause water to pour from my eyes,
Tingling in my heart,
And loneliness when we’re apart,
When you’re holding me tight,
Feels like everything’s alright,
Don’t leave my sight,
Please tell me good night,
Can’t eat or sleep,
The love from my heart is about to seep,
Not a clue of what to do or say,
Except,
I love you in every single way.

All rights to the creater.
I didn't write this.

Leadership

2005-11-02T21:37:00.000-08:00

Leadership.The dictionary defines it as capacity or ability to lead, but I think it's much more than that.More than just stepping up to the next rung of the ladder and having more power.It shouldn't be just that, it should be someone who steps up to the challenge and being someone different.Being drum major in band, which I guess is something important, and stepping up in other orginiztions.I think that especially when people are chosen to be their leaders it gives a more sense of, "I'd better step up."Though for the people who chose the person to be their leader they should base it off of if they think they'd be a good leader or not rather than, "He's my friend so I'll vote for him."That's the kind of feel that I'm getting still from when you voted me till now.It was your choice and if you don't think that I 'm fulfilling my duties than you shouldn't have voted for me.Other than that I think a leader should give guidance, so I'll give you any "guidancing" you need.Aside from that I have a few words to say about the leadership at Canyon.The "leadership" is horrible at canyon as a whole.I'm not accusing anyone of this or anything and I know there's good people in it who will become leaders of the future, but as a whole it's disappointing.For one, only the former leadership picked who would become their succesors, which isn't that bad I guess because the people who picked would be our peers, but still I don't think it's that great.Secondly leadership doesn't lead.They make decisions for us that most of us don't even agree with and if I understand correctly that is becuase of the teachers in leadership who seem to make the decisions.If your going to be a leader, don't let the teacher or the adults of it make all the decisions and change your decisions you should take a stand and make your ideas come true instead of what the adults think.Also if your going to be in leadership start making changes instead of choosing a theme for rallies and making decorations for dances and make some noticable changes.Elections for student presidents and such are also a waste.Most don't seem to do anything an example is the president.They don't seem to do anything, just figure heads whom we choose one day and forget the next.I'm not saying that the president or anyone else is bad, but if your in leadership you should be a leader and start leading us now and make some changes instead of standing back and saying that it's an easy A.I'm sure it won't be an easy feat to accomplish, but at least babysteps you'll have the rest of the year to do it.

Good way to kick off November?Sorry if there's no paragraphs, but I didn't feel like making any.These are only my opinions and are not to harm anyone if you are offended feel free to complain at me.If anything doesn't make sense I wasn't really paying attention so ignore it for now, tell me and I'll make appropiate changes.

I Reckon

2005-10-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

I reckon that this is the longest journal thing or whatever you wish to call it that I know that anyone has ever kept.Or out of anyone I know, most people just make it and then post 1 or 2 things put a link in their profile and leave it to die and not do anything else and the next thing you know they say that they stopped using.They go through all this trouble making it look all nice and junk when in the end they don't use it.Why make it look nice anyways?It might look nice and make it seem a little better, but the point is to just read what they have on their minds right?Personally I don't wanna do anything to mine because I like it looking simple.If anyone has any simple graphics to put on a blog then feel free to tell me, but otherwise what's the point?I'm not complaining at everyone for doing this I'm sure on Myspace or whatever they have the bulleteinmajigger so then you don't have to post anything.Although whatever I have to say doesn't really matter because I'm sure no one reads this and if they do I don't know it because I'm the only one using a Blogger that I know of and no one posts a comment or anything.If you do read then feel free to tell me any time. So that's it for the today and remember this blog is not to insult anyone or to harm anyone this is my opinion that I decided to write about.No offense to anyone.
Otherwise that's it.

And remember folks you get less wet when you walk in the rain rather than running in the rain!

Drum Major

2005-10-20T17:41:00.000-07:00

Yes, I made drum major!October 9, 2005 I became the drum major for the Canyon Hills Jr. High School Advance Band!I guess I should have written this yesterday, but it doesn't really matter does it?I'm sure no reads this anyways or if they do they probably have nothing better to do with the time they have.Apparently I'm the first guy drum major in 3 years or something like that, which is supposed to make me feel good I guess.Other than that I don't know if I would be tall enough so to be drum major.

"The whole problem can be stated quite simply by asking, 'Is there a meaning to music?' My answer would be, 'Yes.' And 'Can you state in so many words what the meaning is?' My answer to that would be, 'No.' "-Aaron Copland

"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music."-Aldous Huxley

"Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune."-Kin Hubbard

It pours

2005-10-18T18:32:00.000-07:00

So I haven't updated in what is it now?A week?Ironic how I said that Tuesday was my unlucky day and yet I'm writing on a Tuesday.Oh well, I guess that's life and you have to expect the unexpected eventhough if you do you'll ruin the surprise life has in store for you. At least now you start to feel like summer finally ended and to welcome the summer feeling with rain!What's a better way than that?It's better than having it sunny or at least that's what I think.Gloomy days look better than a sunny day that'll kill you from the heat.

"Stupid is forever, ignorance can be fixed."-Don Wood

"Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian; wine and tarragon make it French. Sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make it Greek. Soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good."-Alice May Brock

Tuesday

2005-10-10T20:17:00.000-07:00

Tuesday.Everything I hate rapped up into one convenient day where I think to myself, "Dang." It's like life playing a cruel joke and laughing in my face. One word can describe a Tuesday, unlucky. Enough of that though the true purpose of writing this blog was so I can say that I've updated.

"Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway."-Elbert Hubbard

"Courage is fear that has said its prayers."-Dorothy Bernard

Reformat

2005-10-02T14:59:00.000-07:00

My computer got reformated.Later.

Fair

2005-09-26T19:14:00.000-07:00

For all those people who actually do read my blog here's another something you can read.Friday(9/23/05) I went to the LA County Fair with Eli and Noriel(J) with free tickets, which was cool.We hung out there and ate some hotdogs and trying to find Gwen who was supposed to be at the fair.At 7 though we went into a building and I had to play a concert there, which was the main reason I went there because well I had to.Played one song, which should have been 2 songs, but I didn't mind since I didn't want to play in the first place (the song was This Love by Maroon 5, which sucks because I could have thought up a billion more songs that would have sounded better).In anycase after that we went around the park doing nothing for a while until Eli and I went on the Skycoaster, which was pretty cool eventhough J didn't go on it.(Oh yeah don't blame if I screwed up the order because I don't remember so well). In anycase we found Gwen later after a long while and I tried to make her eat onion stuff, but she wouldn't because she was a stubborn little booger and threw it away eventually and if you read this...YOU STILL OWE ME MONEY.Afterwards we wandered off leaving Gwen behind then went to an oxygen bar and it was cool, but Eli got too addicted to it and wants to buy one of those things now.After that it we just left and the whole thing was pretty cool, but I sucked at the concert.Semper Fi.

"You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing."-Michael Pritchard

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else."-Will Rogers

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...'"-Isaac Amisov

Moved Out

2005-09-19T21:13:00.000-07:00

So my brother moved out of the house and has moved onto UCI, which means a couple of things.
1.I am now alone
2.My brothers computer isn't here
3.I'm probably not going to get help when I need it on homework
So that's basically it.
Try outs be a comin'

"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three."-Alice Kahn

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter"-Mark Twain

"Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything."-Floyd
Dell

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it."-Mary Wilson Little

Survey

2005-09-16T21:59:00.000-07:00

Just trying to keep this blogger alive and breathing.

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	John Y. "Cheeks, Fujita, Fajita" Fujita
Birthday:	May 3, 1992
Birthplace:	Montobello?
Current Location:	Chino Hills
Eye Color:	Brown?
Hair Color:	Black
Height:	Tall enough
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	Like nationality? Japanese
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Fit
Your Weakness:	Many
Your Fears:	Not living up to people's expectations
Your Perfect Pizza:	Sausage and bell peppers
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Gold Card
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	Uh huh, lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:	"Where's the snooze button on this?"
Your Best Physical Feature:	Hair?
Your Bedtime:	Whenever I'm done with what I'm doing
Your Most Missed Memory:	How do you miss a memory?Like when you lose something and you miss something?
Pepsi or Coke:	Pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King:	None
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Neither
Do you Smoke:	No
Do you Swear:	Occasionally
Do you Sing:	Yes, horribly
Do you Shower Daily:	Yes
Have you Been in Love:	I don't know about love
Do you want to go to College:	MIT!!!Probably not though or a film school somwhere
Do you want to get Married:	Yes
Do you belive in yourself:	No
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Rarely
Do you think you are Attractive:	No
Are you a Health Freak:	No
Do you get along with your Parents:	Rarely
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Yes
Do you play an Instrument:	Piano, alto saxophone, recently tenor saxophone
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	No
In the past month have you Smoked:	No
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	No
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	No
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	No
In the past month have you been on Stage:	Yes(perfomed terribly)
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	No
Ever been Drunk:	No
Ever been called a Tease:	No
Ever been Beaten up:	No
Ever Shoplifted:	No
How do you want to Die:	In an intense fight against all my enemies with insane Matrix moves.Bullets flying everywhere with sword fighting.Then be killed in a hail of bullets from Tommy Guns.Or not dying is good to.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Something in the computer field, director, screenplay writer?Something in the movie industry preferably
What country would you most like to Visit:	Europe in general, Italy and Sicily specifically
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Doesn't matter
Favourite Hair Color:	Doesn't matter
Short or Long Hair:	Long
Height:	Not taller than me
Weight:	Not overweight
Best Clothing Style:	What?
Number of Drugs I have taken:	Since?
Number of CDs I own:	Burned-13 Not Burned-4 In all-17
Number of Piercings:	None
Number of Tattoos:	None
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	I truly regret 1 or 2 things because the rest I can't help to think about and laugh at it.

School

2005-09-15T17:44:00.000-07:00

So I haven't updated my blog in a while.I guess I forgot about it so now I'm going to try to start writing in it when I can.Playing the tenor saxophone is cool, but I don't get how all you people stay in advanced band.Hard to play the music for me.Rock on Gorrilaz!!!

"Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command."-Alan Watts

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy."-Edgar Bergen

"We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh."-Agnes Repplier

"Total absence of laughter renders life impossible."-Colette

Hiatus over!

2005-08-29T16:59:00.000-07:00

Yes, I realize people probably don't read this, but for those who do I commend you for reading about mylife or whatever I feel like writing.So my reason that I went on a break was because I was using my brothers custom computer playing Half-Life 2 or FarCry.In anycase(is there a space in anycase?/any case) I guess I'll write once again.

"Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology. "-Clive James

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."-Albert Einstein

"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough. "-Albert Einstein

"The best way to predict the future is to invent it. "-Alan Kay

Brace for landing

2005-08-17T17:33:00.000-07:00

I know, I know I said I was going on hiatus, but after this I will because I know that crazy man on the street corner is getting tired of reading this and all my loyal readers who would die for the ki-*cough* anyways like I was saying or was going to say.I got my braces off that's all.

"Wouldn't it be nice if we were older then we wouldn't have to wait so long!And wouldn't it be nice to live together in a world where we belong!"-Wouldn't it be nice by the Beach Boys

"I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier."-All the Thing I've Done by The Killers

The Post

2005-08-16T14:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay, alright then I haven't posted in a long while, but I won't let this blog die out like so many of my comrades.Summer is going into full fledge and I'm getting really lazy so for the time being this blog will be going on hiatus.I think that's how you use the word...in anycase until I return!

"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers. For he today who sheds his blood with me shall be my brother."-Henry V?

I would have posted the whole thing, but it's a little big next I'll post all of it.

Okay

2005-08-06T09:49:00.000-07:00

Okay I guess I should post about what I did in Japan and what not, but I'm still suffering from jetlag and I just don't feel like it so if you want to know about Japan then IM me.I'll be gone all next week because of camping and I'll be getting my braces off the week after camp which should be good I guess.I'll be sitting on the couch watching Comedy Centeral hoping that Chappelle Show isn't over.

Shipping Off

2005-06-30T14:05:00.000-07:00

July 4th will be the last day in my America and then I'm going back to the motherland, Japan. After that I'm going to stay for about a month from the cities to the countryside.It should be a fun trip blowing stuff up with fireworks, being lazy and what not.Hopefully I don't have to go to school in Japan though, but whatever it's still Japan and it's old rusty bikes with brakes that don't work going full speed down a steep hill.So if anyone wants souveniers from Japan it'll be my pleasure to bring anything that I can fit and can go through security.

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."-Bill Waterson creator of Calvin and Hobbes

Report Cards

2005-06-28T19:23:00.000-07:00

I guess I should have posted this a while ago oh well.
First Trimester:
PE-A
Algebra Prep-A
Band-A
Science-A
History-A
English-A
Second Trimester:
PE-A
Algebra Prep-A
Band-B+
Science-A
History-A
English-A
Third Trimester:
PE-A-
Algebra Prep-A
Band-A
Science-A
History-A
English-A
*Note 1st and 2nd are from memory
"God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die. "-Bill Waterson Creator of Calvin and Hobbes

...

2005-06-27T16:29:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted in a while.

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. "-Lao Tzu

Half-Life 2!!!!

2005-06-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

Could it be!?Could it be!!!!!?????Could Half-Life 2 be coming to a computer near me!?If my brother gets a custom computer built by him for a graduation present then yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Finally I'll be able to have the greatest game since something like Zelda Ocarina of Time at my finger tips on my brothers computer!That is before he goes to college and all, but that's only a minor snag in the whole sceme of the what's going to happen. Then I'll be able to wield many more games and forget about the PS2 that's weak sauce now or will be hopefully. Call of Duty on good graphics, Call of Duty Expansion, Call of Duty 2(hopefully), All Battlefields(hopeully), and many, many other games.

"Gratitude is a Sickness suffered by Dogs."
-Joseph Stalin

The Year Goes On

2005-05-31T20:37:00.000-07:00

Only about 2 and half weeks left of school and I'm about done. If there isn't anymore projects then it'll be okay until finals that is.Summer vacation will be given a hero's welcome hopefully by doing something than just sleeping. July will be a fun month becuase I'll be going back to the homeland to have a much needed rest there and blow off thousands of dollars of fireworks.I'll miss 4th of July, which will be sad becuase I won't be able to see my friend that I only get to see once a year, which just happens to be the 4th because we get together and do fireworks.The only other time I ever see him is when he's working as a chef in his families resteraunt, which is cool except for that I rarely get to go there and when I do he usually isn't there, good chef though.Other than that I can't wait for June 21st for the release destroy all humans and hopefully I can see StarWars Episode III before summer vacation or shortly after that.That's all I have now, but those are basically the plans for the summer.Transmission end.

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."-Abraham Lincoln

E3!

2005-05-18T21:35:00.000-07:00

That time of year again where all those big names gather in one place to show all that good stuff.E3 is here.Electronic Entertainment Expo.Also the unveiling of the big hitters Playstation 3, The Nintendo Revolution, and Xbox360 all three of which have been unveiled already.All took dramatic changes and PS3 seems to be the most powerful one.All of them are backwards compatible and with the Revolution you can download old Nintendo games and play them right there!Killzone 2 looks the most promising for the PS3 now with it's movie like qualities from Saving Private Ryan.The downside however is that if you try to follow all the games and everything it will be almost impossible and once you think you know everything about E3 the next one is just around the corner.E3 forever!

Testing:Day 1

2005-05-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

Testing was long and hard even though most people ended with about an hour to spare so people got impatient.The english test was hard, thanks to our english teacher who didn't teach us anything that was on the test.Thanks!Overall the day wasn't that long and I got to read more of Deception Point, which is a good book.Tomorrow is going to be even longer for it's going to be 1st and 2nd period with testing and that doesn't seem like the best plan of action, but whatevah.

Transmission ended.

We are the champions!

2005-05-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

Weee are the champion my frieeends!We will keep on fighting till the end!We are the champions!WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!No to time for losers, cause we are the chaaaaaaaaaaaaaampions.........of the wooooooooorld!
I just had to do that.

Possibly the greatest idea

2005-05-04T18:58:00.000-07:00

Sure there's a lot of parodies on Matrix, but with conversation with Gwen this could be the best parody to ever that will probably never see the light of day unless I can create a flash movie with Linda over the summer if everything goes according to plan that is.

Ordinary

2005-04-11T19:07:00.000-07:00

There's really nothing to say so I'm just posting for now to make sure this doesn't die.Crypto is ready for hire and is ready to heed the call.....almost.