A Life of Mediocrity

Last week I think? Something like that. I was learning the six step and attempting to do it, horribly. Anyways when Robert says, "What are you good at?" I've often pondered that myself. I felt angry then just because...well, how would you feel if someone asked you that? Then the PSAT asked my on Saturday. Anyways, it's something I've wondered myself since...whenever I became old enough to seriously think about my future.

What am I good at?

Honestly, I don't know. I'm mediocre/good at everything. Sure I excel in some things but not to the point of being considered genius, potential, or talented. I'm OK with almost everything I do. Sometimes I'm good or sometimes I'm bad. I haven't really found my thing. Everyone else has music, art, writing, sport, mathematics, language, etc. I have _______.

I think the first thing I ever wanted to be was an artist. That's just what I think....then I realized that I'm not that good of an artist. I mean everyone is good when they're 5, right? Then there's chef but I lack whatever is needed to be one. Video game maker has been persistent throughout (What does Jaffe do?). Then.....I don't know. That's all I remember. Recently? I think something to do with photography. Cinematography? Something like that. Then again I'm not really that good in any of those either I think. I don't know what to do, to become. I hope I find whatever I'm good at soon. I hope it's something that doesn't require living in a cubicle.


I've noticed I write a lot about my future or maybe I don't....? Perhaps I need to reflect more on what's happening now to find out more about myself. I might find something then....but who knows.



"To accomplish great things, we must dream as well as act."-Anatole France

Again

Which reminds me.....I need The Boggs album Forts. It's so good...

Clouds

I suppose now would be a good time to update my blog. I figure I should update when I feel that something major is happening in my life. I don't know why people update when all they do is recount their day as if to make sure they remember what they ate for lunch. I mean what's the point of blogs if you don't put down your emotions, thoughts, etc. Sure it's public so you may not want everyone to read it, but I still feel as if it defeats the purpose of writing these. Actually I don't really know why I write these. It always feels as if when I feel like writing something down I'm not near my computer or I don't have anywhere to write it down.

Which reminds me, I need to get a dream journal. Or maybe just a general journal for whatever I have to write down.

Then again knowing me I might be too lazy to do it....I wish I weren't so lazy. How do you change that?

Anyways, school feels like it's more pressure. It's probably because I'm lazy. WHY?
Laziness seems to be the root of all my problems. If I could just get on top of things I'm sure it'd be all better, but until that happens I guess I'm stuck living this way. I feel like I'm saying this as if I know everything. At 15 though how much can you really know?

Which reminds me, I wanted to write or do something about the education system.

How can I expect myself to accomplish these goals I have for myself when I can barely update these regularly? I don't know...failure seems like an evermore appealing option. For the short run anyways. Long run....who knows, I might strike it lucky with something. College?I don't even know what I want to be. I'm still hanging on the idea of going into something related to film. Photographer has become more appealing to me. Maybe...who knows.

Which reminds me, Eagle. I need to get my shit together.

Emotion wise I feel not happy. I don't want to say depressed because I don't really think that's what it is. More like...I feel empty, but heavy at the same time. Bouts of anger when I'm arguing with someone are really the only times I feel alive. I feel the blood rush through my veins. The color return to my face? I don't really know. Maybe it's just that I like someone...I don't really want to say that I do though because I don't feel like I do, at the same time some how I do.

Which reminds me, I'm a liar. Sorry to the person I lied to even though they'll probably never see this.

Which reminds me, I want some more Adiddas and some Kangol hats. Godfather hats, Fedoras.

Which reminds me, I want to watch some more movies.

Which reminds me, I don't really like writing these because I don't think I can really express the way I feel, or think through words. Maybe if I was better with the English language I would want to be a writer. That's one reason I feel like I want to do something with film or photography. Words are powerful. Images are more powerful. In my opinion, but this my blog so I guess I don't really have to say that.

Which reminds me, computers. I want to upgrade. Or something so I can enjoy some Orange Box and Bioshock from the comfort of my room.

I remember some people actually bothered to read these when I would update more, but now I would bet that no one will read this....until after a long time has passed. I'll end this the way I used to though.

"Doubt whom you will, but never yourself."-Christine Bovee

"Just think of the tragedy of teaching children not to doubt."-Clarence Darrow

"To have doubted one's own first principles is the mark of a civilized man."-Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.