A year and 13 days later comes this entry from the last time I've written. Reading through my older posts is a strange feeling. A portal into a time that has passed with fleeting passions, thoughts, and emotions. Like looking at a complete stranger, but at the same time knowing exactly who that person is. And, for some reason, it was frightening to see that person again. I could hardly bear to read every single word that person had written and as I went further I could only skim. I wonder why that is. Maybe as a person that had just graduated from high school and was about to enter the wondrous world of university it is frightening to remember that person brimming, relatively, with ambition and bucking up for a ever better freedom. But now, a year and couple days later, that person has been, essentially, crushed. Everything that he thought was going to come from college just didn't quite pan out the way that he had hoped that it would and every fear that he had was pretty much realized. And instead of rising from the rubble and ruins I find myself pretty much in the same place that I was back then. In my room, at my house, in Chino Hills, and up till the late hours of the morning like I used to do. What little hope that person had, I feel, is gone now.
But I suppose, like I said I haven't done so far, I should get up and get my life together in some semblance of order and direction. And I feel that by this point in the summer my need for being lazy has run it's course and now I'm just feeling my life wasting away. Time to stand and do something. And maybe, for once in my life, something for myself. Something that I want to learn or do because I want to do it. To what extent that will be, I don't know, but something substantial I hope. But that's exactly the kind of talk that I need to step away from. I hope, I will, I could, I would, I think, and move onto I do. Getting myself to exercise daily has been a step in the right direction (really trying not to say "I think" here). People talk of the epiphany they receive when running the daily course of their life and discovering something amazing or waking up one morning to realize that life is beautiful or some other trite poppycock of the sort but that isn't for everyone, I presume. I reckon it's about time to be my own epiphany. Hard that.
By now I wonder if I should even attempt to comb through the first year of college and figure out what were the most important and life changing parts. Hard to say since it's only been a couple years since that has officially passed. I'm not sure that it's been a year of self-discovery and what-have-you that most people tend to play up but maybe somewhere down the line I'll realize that it was. Or not. The latter seems to be the case usually. So I'll just skip that. Things that stick out the most:
-Pledging
-"Have you ever thought that you just aren't that interested in academics as you thought you were?"
-College is far from a place where I find who I am, where I'm going, or any of those other things that people tend to suggest and instead I find myself lost more than ever with my life.
-Alcohol, you wily devil
-Passive Aggressive
-Maybe I should have gone to a college further from home.
-People are just plain mean, people can be nice, and some people put on the masks of one or the other.
-Jesus, so much writing that just isn't fun.
Some of those things listed right there are pretty generic things to say about life in general and I'm sure I have or could have said those things in the past but it just seems to stick out in my mind particularly right now.
I'm not quite sure where all this leaves me. Somewhere between expected and hoped to high heaven that I wouldn't be where I am now but water under the bridge now. Nothing to do but to take it in stride. Something to keep in my for next time:
-Writing Creatively
At this point I figure no one will read this and if you, lucky reader, do then have fun. Or something. The internet has moved on from this relic to tweets, tumblrs, stumblrs, facebooklrs, googl+lrs, and whatever else. The old way of communicating updates to this blog through AIM is even dead now seeing has how people have moved onto other IM clients, Macs, and AIM itself has effectively killed profiles as I knew them. So much has changed and at the same time hasn't. And now I use Winamp, go figure.
"The more things change, the more they stay the same."
