I've been wanting to write for a while now but every time I come to my keyboard and I feel like I have something to write about, nothing comes. My fingers fail to punch out what I'm feeling. Sometimes I figure that smashing my face into the keyboard would produce something just as good. However, now I'm going to try anyways.
Life has become so tiring, I just want to give up. The daily grind wears down on me. It seems like the gray suit wearing, hermetically sealed suburbs of the 50s are no different now.
School, homework, sleep. Repeat and rinse. Sometimes I can feel my creativity being stifled by everything around me.
At the same time I can feel the real world tearing open the seal to my life, pulling me out, and putting the boot of reality and firmly stamping it against the asphalt of the world.
After 16 years, almost 17, of avoiding the spotlight and bottling things up I find myself standing on the sidelines watching my emotions seep out of me. Suddenly after 16 year, almost 17, I find my lack of emotions alarming. It seems as if I hardly care for anything that happens and I'm at a loss of words when something confronts me.
Spending my life in a textbook has made stupid. It has me socially retarded.
"Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education."
Oh, how true I think that is now. How else could one see it?
I even look at myself and now wonder,
"Who am I?"
I feel so cookie-cutter, devoid of a personality.
Factory direct. Wholesale. Dime a dozen. Mass produced.
I see college admissions for the seniors and wonder, "Where does that leave me?"
What drives me? After 16 years, almost 17, I finally wonder what's been my ambition. After running an academic marathon, I stop and look back, then I look forward.
Where am I?
Why have I been running? To where am I running? Or what am I running from?
I'm closing in nearer to a crossroads of my life and can't see far because of the heat distortion of the California sun.
It's melting my gray matter.
I just want to sleep and hide under my covers for the rest of my life.
Without something to die for, what do I have to live for?
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3 comments:
I think you run simply because you can, and I find it amazing how far you've come without any real passion or direction behind it. I'm sure there's passion but I don't think you've reached your full potential yet. Time is all you need now man. Time to think things over, time to sort it all out, time to see the finish line.
dude, that's exactly how i feel.
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