Coughing

This cough that's followed me from band is killing me. I can barely stay in my room without my stuffing up and my nose closing up. Laying on my bed I can hardly breathe anymore without coughing up my damn lungs. Going to sleep at night consists of waking up in the middle of night not breathing and coughing till my throat goes raw. Damned allergies or whatever it may be.

I think I realized something from the last day of band camp, which is that the only thing people understand is fear. Fear of pain, fear of failure, fear of whatever else. Those instructing us keep saying that our drive is bogus if the only that motivates us is the fear of having to do push ups, but what else is motivation except fear? Fear of our competitors beating us, fear of us not being all that we can be, fear that we won't live up to someone's expectations, fear that we won't live up to our own expectations.

Desire. Fear.

I feel like they're one in the same.

I had to laugh that last day of band. To any of those who were in band, it was one of those days in band when all of the instructors decided to go into asshole mode and make us run 4 greens and do whatever else to get that fire under our butts and realize that we suck. Breaking people down from their selves was amusing to me.

Seeing people moan. Seeing people fall. Seeing people cry.

It was especially fun seeing all those that like to act so tough being the first to break. Such fakers. While everyone else was dying, I couldn't help myself from smiling. I guess you could say that we'd all come out of that experience stronger, but I don't believe that anymore. Not from such a weak experience like that. I don't pretend to know what real pain, struggle, or suffering is but the least I can say is that it wasn't that.

I feel that a majority of people don't understand, me included. For those that do, I envy them. What can I say? I guess that comes off as insulting to them, but what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, right? I am fortunate though to not have to experience those pains on some level, but at some point without experiencing any of that where do I test my character?

I want to be broken.

I find that I can be quite amoral and unethical at times. By being broken maybe I can find how much of a hypocrite I am of my own beliefs. Sometimes I scare myself by what motivates me. The lengths that sometimes I go to lie to reach my own ends. Or to get involved into something with a completely false intention.

As Napolean said,
"From the sublime to the ridiculous is only a step; let the future generations judge."

If you live without any sort of moral ruler I feel that my brain is capable of conjuring up some frightening things. But you have to put that mask on so that you aren't a completely tossed out of normal society. Then sometimes letting those thoughts slip through the cracks and seeing the reaction of those around you. Putting on fake reactions of disgust to some other things as to not appear abnormal.

But then there's the side that puts yourself on the line for those around you. You live by the seat of your pants, but don't want those around to follow you, going as far as to protect them. Moving on with your own agenda without thinking about yourself, but of others almost in an altruistic fashion.

Then there is living on without fear. With nothing to lose. Without the caring what anyone thinks anymore. It's only what you want and do whatever you do to your own ends and to no one elses. Why do we fear authority? Why do we obey what anyone says? The fear of not conforming to the rules? What is it that makes obey someone with authority? With respect? Is respecting someone just not another form of fear? The fear of their disapproval. Why do we maintain such pack mentalities? Those that transcend are the bounds of our animal nature and have no fear in what they do are truly the extraordinary ones.

Standing on the sides because you yourself are so closed. Sometimes that's all you can do because you fear that no one understand what is going through your brain. Like bugs crawling out of your skin you can't say that it happens because it only makes you look like a basket case. You can only be there standing on the sides. No matter how much noise you make that's all you are, noise. Like bugs crawling under your skin and trying to pick them out by digging your nails through your skin.

How do you respond? How do you rationalize such crazy thoughts?

Sometimes all you can do is stand there and cough.