Popsicle Stand

I tried sleeping, but couldn't. I don't know when I fell asleep tonight or when I actually woke up and started working instead of just continually dozing off, but now I can't sleep and I'm up. There's nothing else to it. I lied in my bed for a good 30 minutes closing my eyes, tossing and turning, staring at the ceiling. Lying seems like an appropriate word to describe what I was doing in bed. Thinking I could sleep when I well knew that I couldn't.

But it gave me a chance to think about something other than school and the work I needed to do. I think it's finally dawned on me how everyone I knew last year felt as seniors. Just waiting, itching to get out of here. To me, laying in my bed, it seemed to have come full circle for me. I don't want to stay here anymore, I don't know where I want to be but not here. I want to say my final goodbyes, pick up, and blow this popsicle stand. Or maybe not even say my goodbyes and just leave. I realize that for most of the people I know now, I won't ever see or speak to again. The thought is eerily cathartic.

Maybe it's just easy to think that now, in what seems to be the thickest of senioritis.

Or maybe it's just finally coming to me how I don't really care about most of the people around me or what happens to them. Even in band, most of me doesn't really care how well we do anymore. I just want to go to competitions perform, chill in parking lots, and relax on bus rides. I don't care for practicing anymore. I don't care for getting better anymore. Some part of me realizes that no one will listen to all that the leaders and seniors have to say anyways. An apathetic outlook, I know, but at this point there's no other way to look at things for me.

As far as I'm concerned, I think my work is done here. At Ayala. At Chino Hills. I've taken what I could and I've done what I can. It's time to get up and leave for while I think. Maybe sometime in the future I'll realize that home is where the heart is. No matter how bland Chino Hills stays. But right now, in what I perceive to be my youthful rebellion in a search for something I think might be better out there, I'm ready to leave this these Hills behind me.